Ready for the Anger

Well, hello, good morning. Good morning balcony. Good morning ground floor. Oh, good morning live stream. We can hear you out there. Let's welcome everyone on our live stream. Yes. My name is Mark. I'm one of the pastors here. I'm so glad that you are with. Are you glad to be in church today? Me too. This is here in for just a wonderful hour. God's put together some amazing things, including those baptisms that Adrian talked about. "Ready for the Ride" is our current message series.

And, you know, not that any of us claim to have a crystal ball, but I'm going to make a prediction about this year. Is that okay? Can I do that? You're like, "I don't know what you're going to predict." Here's my prediction. Someone or something is going to provoke you to anger. I know. I'm way out on that limb, aren't I? It really is not a question of if, but when. Really the only question is, how will you respond? Like Jesus or not? Maybe not so much. In other words, will you be ready for the anger?

You know, as we observed this last Monday, it was Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and this week I read a story, the account of when his home in Alabama, 1956, was bombed one night by extremist white racists. And he shares in his autobiography what he was thinking on that very night. He says this, "While I lay in that quiet front bedroom, I began to think of the viciousness of people who would bomb my home. I could feel the anger rising when I realized that my wife and my baby could have been killed. I was once more on the verge of corroding hatred, and once more I caught myself and said, 'You must not allow yourself to become bitter.'

And not only did he quiet his own anger, but he actually went outside to calm the crowd that was gathering in front of his house. And I want you to listen to what he said to them, this man whose home had just been bombed with his wife and baby in that house along with himself. This is what he said to the crowd, "We are not advocating violence. We want to love our enemies. I want you to love our enemies. Be good to them, love them, and let them know that you love them." And I just want to say, "Wow." How did he find the strength to say that? And moreover, how did he have the power to actually live that out?

And as I thought about that, I tried to imagine, "Mark, what would your response be if someone did the same to you?" And I had to conclude, "I think my response would be very different than Dr. King's. In fact, I was reminded of a much less threatening incident that happened to me not too long ago. Every year, my wife Laura and I, we take our Twin Lakes Christian School seventh graders on a little mission trip to Mexico. And on a recent trip, we had so much kind of construction materials and stuff like that, and too much for the plane.

And so my job was to drive those supplies to San Diego where I would meet the plane and Laura and the kids, and we would go from there. And while I'm going through just the heart of LA, and I-5 chokes down to three, maybe even two lanes in one section. It's just like a parking lot. And I'm going in through this bumper-to-bumper traffic, and suddenly I hear this guy come up on my passenger side on a Harley. He's like, "Boom, boom, boom," as if to say, "Clear the lane, buddy." And before I can even respond, there's this wham as he grabs my mirror and just slams it against the window and the side of my truck.

And immediately I'm filled with a surge of adrenaline and anger as he passes by me and flips me off. Now, bear in mind, I'm on a mission trip to serve orphans in Mexico. I think you can call that a mission from God. And yet I'm not thinking about God in that moment. No, I'm thinking about, in fact, I have this strong impulse to chase after this guy. Now, fortunately, that wasn't possible due to the traffic, and he's wending his way through, but even so, if you were with us last weekend, do you remember when I told the story about the guy in the wheelchair who somehow got it stuck on the grill of a semi-truck? Yeah, that's exactly what I was envisioning for this guy.

Like, "I'm going to catch up to him. I'm going to give Mr. Motorcycle Man a little push with the front of my pickup." And I have these violent fantasies, even though he's long gone for the next several miles. Okay, more than that. Again, violent fantasies are swirling through my head where I'm no longer, you know, "Pastor Mark, I'm Pastor Mark Reacher." Right? Reacher doesn't pray for the people who, you know, tick him off, dude, does he? No, he hurts them. He gets even.

There's a reason why the Jack Reacher books have sold over 100 million copies. There's a reason why it is one of the most popular shows on television, because anger is like a drug. The thought of getting even can be intoxicating. You might be thinking to yourself, "Well, Mark, that's not me. I mean, I wouldn't hurt a fly." Okay, but we're all wired differently when it comes to expressing anger. Some of us are like teapots, you know, we just heat up and it's like, like that, you know, we stomp our feet, we yell, we might punch something, we're irritable.

Others of us are more like a crock pot. This is how I'm wired, okay? And you don't blow your stack, but you simmer. And you're scary because your silence is deafening, and everyone around you walks on eggshells. Like I said, we're all wired differently, but however you are wired, we are called as followers of Jesus to respond differently in the face of anger. You might say we're called to respond Jesusly.

You know, the Apostle Peter, you know, he witnessed the unjust arrest of Jesus. He saw him beaten during his trial, watched the crucifixion probably from a distance. And so he saw his best friend, his Messiah crucified. And yet, he writes these words in his first letter. This is in 1 Peter 2 where he says, "To this you were called." And by that he means, "To this y'all were called." Because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate. When he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, let me hear you say this, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

This is our calling as Christ followers to follow him, whether you're, you know, a teapot, a crock pot, or a cracked pot. Okay. We follow Jesus, not the pundits, the politicians, the podcasters. Jesus is our true north. Amen? Amen. Now, when it comes to managing anger, I'm only going to be able to really skim the surface here. But there's some additional resources that I put on page 2 of your notes, and I encourage you to check that out, including an opportunity this Wednesday to dive deeper.

We have guests Ken and Mary Harrow where they bring just a wealth of expertise and experience when it comes to subjects. So I encourage you to come this Wednesday, 6:30. And I also just want to take a moment to acknowledge and thank René, because he did a message on anger several years ago and allowed me to rip off all the best parts for today. And so I just want to say that up front.

And today we are going to be in Ephesians 4, where the Apostle Paul gives us some very practical steps when it comes to managing anger. And before we get to those verses, I want to say this. We need to realize that Paul did not write these words from a beach on the edge of the Mediterranean. This was not theoretical for Paul. Paul wrote the words we're going to see from prison, where he had been beaten and treated unjustly.

And so Paul knows what he's talking about from firsthand experience, and yet even so, he says Ephesians 4 starting in verse 26. Let me hear you read this with me. "In your anger, do not sin." We're going to unpack that. But right here at the get-go, people say, "Aha! In your anger, do not sin." That means there's such a thing as righteous anger. And that's true. Anger can be good when it comes to confronting injustice or affecting change. Jesus Himself was angry at abusive religious authorities.

But here's the problem. When I'm in the heat of anger, I always think it's righteous. Like every single time, I don't even question it. Of course, this is righteous anger. And so when Paul says, "In your anger, do not sin," he's saying, "Look out. You're on a slippery slope." For example, last night's game against the Niners and the Packers. Any of you see that game last night? Okay, then you know that there was a point when the Packers had the ball fourth and one deep in Niners' territory, and if they get a first down, they are poised to go ahead 10-0.

And so Packers' quarterback snaps the ball. He lunges forward. There's a big pile up of guys. All the Packers fans are saying, "He got a first down!" The Niners' fans are saying, "They stopped him!" The rest say, "He didn't make it." Niners' fans are like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" Packers' fans are furious. They've been robbed. My point, clearly. Niners' fans were right. Packers' fans were sitting. No, I'm just joking. But kidding is, be careful about claiming righteous anger.

Paul's saying, "Yeah, you're going to get angry at times. That's life, but we've got to learn to deal with it in a healthy Christ-like way." And so in this passage, Paul is going to give us really three steps for managing my anger. And while these are very simple steps, I just want to assure you they are not necessarily easy steps. But if you live these out, it will make a world of difference in your own heart and in your relationships as well. And so write these down.

First step is this. Keep short accounts. Keep short accounts. Because if you marinate in your anger, you allow those grievances to kind of pile up, you know what's going to happen? Those grievances are going to turn into grudges. And so Paul says this, "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Now, the way that I've heard this applied over the years is basically, you know, never go to bed angry. You ever hear that? Never go to bed angry.

Well, that's a great thing if you can do it, but I don't know that that's the full scope of what Paul is talking about here, because let's face it, not every conflict can be resolved between like dinner and sundown. You can't always just, "Oh, he's just like, 'Let's just step and fight until we work this out.'" That's not always real life. I think the force of what Paul is saying is don't let today's or yesterday's anger leak into today. Don't carry your anger into the future, because if you do, you are going to give the devil a foothold.

Now, what's that about? This word for foothold here can also be translated "a place or opportunity." Is that what you want to do? Give your enemy room to set up shop in your life. And to be clear, I'm not suggesting that we just, you know, kind of stuff it, suppress your anger. You know, that'll lead to a whole other host of problems. In fact, one of our pastors, Valerie Webb, years ago, she lived two years in Macau as a missionary. That's a Chinese territory. And there's an ancient kind of saying when it comes to dealing with anger in that culture that goes like this, "Eat the bitterness." You know, just swallow it. That's not what Paul is saying here.

Paul's saying, "Don't nurse your anger." Okay, you got to deal with it, but don't nurse it. Keep short accounts. And if you can't quickly resolve that dispute, that thing with that other person, you can begin by resolving it before God. Go before Him, express your anger. Tell Him exactly how you're feeling and ask Him to bring peace and resolution into your own heart.

You know, after that incident with the, you know, the Harley guy in L.A., I never saw that guy again. I likely never will. But I can honestly tell you, it was so helpful. That night in the hotel room, I just, I knew I just have to pray and talk to God about it. And I said something like this. I basically said, "Lord, thank You that that situation didn't escalate. Thank You for keeping me and the people around us safe. And now, Lord, I need You to calm my heart and purify my thoughts." And as for that other guy, "Lord, I don't know his story, but would You touch his heart? Would You draw him to Yourself just as You continue to draw me?"

Now, I'm not sharing this, so you'll think I'm some kind of saint. I'm clearly not. I'm sharing this because this is something that we can all do. Just start with prayer. In fact, Jesus said this in Matthew 5. He says, "Love your enemies and," what? "Pray for those who persecute you." Even if you don't feel the love, and you probably won't, you can start with prayer. And this is so powerful. This is the first step, really, to unburdening yourself of the anger. So keep short accounts.

Second step is this. Take an honest inventory. I mean, if you're harboring anger in your heart, it's going to leak out into the rest of your life. And so take an honest inventory by first asking, "How's my speech?" Because if you ever notice how anger influences your choice of words, and if you need a reminder, just try, you know, remodeling your bathroom or fixing something on your car. You'll be reminded in no time. And even so, Paul says this, verse 29, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

And listen, unwholesome talk is not just salty language. I used to think that's like, "Oh, you know, you took kind of an off-color joke or something like that." But this phrase, this term, could just as accurately be translated "corrosive talk," corrupting talk. That's what angry words do. They tear down. They dehumanize. They corrupt and corrode our own hearts as well as those around us. Like Jesus said this, "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." In other words, if you want to know what's really going on inside your heart, just pay attention to the words that are coming out of your mouth. It'll be a very true indicator.

The second thing to take inventory is this, "How's my spirit?" My spirit. Because again, pent-up anger doesn't just leak out of my mouth. It will actually impact your faith. I mean, imagine we were singing just minutes ago. "Have your way, have your way, Holy Spirit, come and have your way. There's that jerk over there, Holy Spirit, make him go away." Okay, nothing personal about you, anyone in that section. I just had to point somewhere, I promise. But that would be kind of weird, right? I mean, talk about pretense. The point is God, he sees right through us. You know, he knows the baggage that we're carrying. He's not fooled by putting on some kind of show.

So verse 30, Paul says, "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption, unresolved anger, especially between fellow believers that grieves the heart of God." And Paul refers to this day of redemption. That's the day, the promise of scripture, that Jesus one day will make all things right, all things. But what a joy and a reward for those who will make peace in advance of that day. That's called living now in anticipation of then. So take an honest inventory, because again, ongoing anger will actually stunt your spiritual growth. There's just no way around it.

And along these lines, third question to ask is, "How are my relationships?" I mean, this takes courage. Do I really want to know how my anger is impacting those around me? Probably not. But there will come a day when you realize, "If I don't change, I'm going to end up with relationships that are broken beyond repair." Where I can't even have a conversation with that person anymore. And I have just been blocked out of their life, which is why Paul says he urges us, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander along with every form of malice. Get rid of it before it's too late, before it produces a bitter harvest."

And you may be thinking to yourself, "Oh, Mark, time out." "You have no idea how much I want to change. But I honestly question if I will ever be able to deal with my anger any differently than I always have." And if that's you, I want to introduce you to a friend of mine who was good enough to come by this week and allow us to interview him, where he shares his own journey in this regard. My good friend Don Smith, let's watch what Don has to say.

I never was taught anger. Anger was either rage or nothing. Anger was unhealthy. It was something that we didn't express or show. My dad never showed me how to get angry. He got angry, and that means stay away from him. But he never showed me how to express my anger in a healthy way. Being young and married, when Marcia and I would argue, I would rage. I would punch holes in the walls. I would yell at her. I would scream at her. I would intimidate her with my sighs. I didn't think that was abuse, because abuse to me is hitting people, and I never touched her.

And she would always encourage me to deal with my anger issues. I don't have anger issues. My anger issues is because you're making me angry. What really changes with my son was punching holes in the walls. So I had holes up here and a hole down there. And I go, that's not what I want to show my son. And that's when I really started making a change. That was like 20-something years ago when I realized that I have an anger issue. That's when I started going to men's support groups on how to deal with your anger.

And I heard men tell their stories of how they're treating their wives and their kids. And I thought, man, that's horrible. But I was doing the same thing. I never looked. It's like I didn't want to be that way anymore. And I think that's the first key of recovery in anything is admitting that you have a problem. But I started realizing the things that I was doing was abusive. And when I start seeing that and learning that, I was able to put healthy things in its place. Listening to my wife was really important. I had to learn how to listen.

And I had to learn how to get at my kids level, like get down on my knees and looking up in the eye instead of towering over them. Because I'm huge. I can intimidate my kids. I learned how to listen and learn how to love and learn how to be a man, learn how to be a father. And my anger wasn't always anger. It's a lot of fear, the fear of failure. So I didn't want to be a failure as a parent. But I knew if I didn't tell somebody about and get help that that was eventually going to happen. And I surrendered to God about this. I'm surrendered to Jesus. And I was, he was slowly walking me through this whole process, putting the right people in my life, being in recovery, being in church, being committed to things.

And over the years, it's just like changed me. And now it, you know, facilitated anger management group. Once you surrender to the process, the letter to God just changed your life and try a different path. Change can happen. Marriage is better than it's ever been. 35 years, we just celebrate 35 years. It's a miracle. It has really nothing to do with us. It's God's miracle that saves us. It's not our power. Instead of being in fear or anger, I'm just liberated, free, emancipated. Pretty cool.

Hey, let's thank Don for sharing. You in here somewhere, Don? Raise your hand if you are. All right. He's right here somewhere. Anyway, we're so grateful. I mean, if you know Don, he's like the most mellow person you can ever meet. A testimony to God's miraculous work in his life. And you desire to experience the same. Guys, there are postcards out in the lobby today that give information about the group that Don leads. You can be a part of that. And women, if you go to TLC.org/women, you can get information about resources groups that we have for you, like our beloved group and others.

TLC.org/women or guys. You can also go to TLC.org/men for info about the same. And whether, again, this is a chronic issue in your life or something that you just deal with periodically, we will all respond better to anger when we keep short accounts, when we take an honest inventory of my speech, my spirit, my relationships. And third, third step is this. There comes a point when I need to choose forgiveness over anger. There is a choice. There's a fork in the road that we all have to make eventually. Will I choose forgiveness or choose anger?

And by the way, if you just don't make the choice, you've chosen anger. You've just allowed it to continue. And I want to be very crystal clear because forgiveness is not trust. Okay? Forgiveness is given. Trust is earned. And so you should trust someone who just conned you or abused you. And forgiveness is not that, you know, things just stay the same either. I mean, you can release your bitterness towards some other person without thinking it's a good idea to move back in with them or go back into business with them.

And forgiveness is not a substitute for justice. If something illegal happened to you, there should be legal consequences for the persecutor. Forgiveness also is not a substitute for healing. Forgiveness is really the first step of a process, a journey that will take time. And it may include counseling or being involved in groups with other people. And so to be very clear, forgiveness is this. Forgiveness is canceling the debt. Okay? It's releasing that person of whatever it is they owe you. Because let's face it, in most cases, they can't pay you back anyway. They can't give you back your childhood. They can't go back in time and change that thing that they did.

They owe a debt that is actually impossible to repay. But for you, forgiveness is freedom. I mean, I know this to be true in my own life. You could see this in Don's countenance and his demeanor, so many others. Because here's the cool thing. There's this relationship between forgiveness and anger. And forgiveness is where anger goes to die. It just can't exist in an environment of forgiveness. It runs out of oxygen. It doesn't have any more fuel. And so Paul says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as God and Christ forgave you." We all need forgiveness.

So what will you choose? What will be your choice? And if you ever wonder if you have the power to choose forgiveness over your anger, I want to close with this story. This iconic picture captures the moment when a nine-year-old girl was a victim of a napalm bombing. It became a defining image of the Vietnam War. This young girl's name is Kim Phu. And a little while ago, the PBS NewsHour did a little story about her. And what you're about to see may be disturbing, but I hope you will hear what Kim has to say.

I remember June 8, 1972. I saw the airplane and it's so loud, so close to me. Suddenly, the fire everywhere around me. The fire burned off my clothes. And I saw my arm got burned with a fire. I thought, oh, my goodness, I get burned. People will see me in a different way. Nine years old, I became a victim of war. I went through 17 operations. I had to deal with the pain every single day. It built me up with hatred, bitterness, and anger. I was just living with the question, why me? I wanted to take my life because I thought, after I die, no more suffering, no more pain.

Eventually, I found the New Testament in the library in Saigon. In Christmas 1982, I became a Christian. That faith, it helped me a lot. Since I have faith, my enemy's list became my prayer list, I realized myself, wow, Kim, you pray for your enemies. It means you love. Forgiveness set my heart free. I forgive everyone who caused my suffering. Even the pilot, commander, people controlling me. My work with the children who has trauma like me, I know how they have pain. I'm working not because of my duty, not because of my mission, but because of my love. Wow.

Yeah. What an amazing story of the power of the gospel, the power of forgiveness. Did you hear what she said? My enemy's list became my prayer list, and forgiveness set her free, free from a life of bitterness and hate, free to live a life full of love. And you know what? That same power is available to each and every one of us here and now. This is your time. This is the time for you to choose to let go of the anger. So let it go. Let it go. Choose forgiveness and Jesus will set you free.

Let's pray. Heavenly Father, I pray for those right now who are just struggling with that choice, in this room on the live stream, within the sound of my voice. And Lord, I pray that right now you would allow them to entrust themselves, to entrust that hurt, that burden, that wound, that injustice, entrust it to the one who judges justly, that they may rest in your care. And so, Father, I pray by the power of your spirit that you would have your way, your good, loving, and perfect way in all our lives, unburden us from anger, and help us to walk in the freedom that is ours in Christ. We pray this in His name, and all God's people said, Amen. Amen.