Rekindle My Relationships

Hello and welcome. My name is Mark, one of the TLC pastors, and we are in a brand new message series called "Ready for a Restart" because the pandemic, among other things, has really paved the way for massive restarts, economically, socially. In so many ways, things are about to turn a big corner. They are gearing back up. For example, a year ago, you could drive down Highway 1, in our area here, as fast as you wanted, day or night, either direction, just smooth sailing.

Now, the new normal, well, it feels a lot like the old normal, if you know what I'm saying. But there really have been some definite shifts over the past year. In particular, divisions have surfaced where there are strong differences of opinions on a number of issues. For example, the seriousness of COVID or the wisdom behind lockdowns, masks, vaccines. Add to that, you know, when churches should open again for in-person indoor gatherings. And then, of course, there's also issues in our culture like racism, the election, wondering who would win in a boxing match between Anderson Cooper and Tucker Carlson.

You know what I'm getting at? These divisions are real, and they're not just out in our culture. They are alive and well within the church. In fact, this past week, I read an article in Christianity Today that states this. It says, "Top church leaders showed surprising new interest last month in coming to grips with the big theological divide among American Protestants." For example, in Atlanta, Southern Presbyterians assembled in a liberal conservative confrontation. Conservatives were eager to maintain the primary spiritual mission of the church.

Also on hand were those who like to call themselves the progressive element in the church and who stress social action as necessary for the church to be relevant today. Well, the guy moderating this liberal conservative confrontation, a guy named Marshall Dendy, he summarizes it this way. He said, "There is a great deal of unhealthy unrest in the church. This unrest grows in part out of the inevitable fact that there are individuals and groups in the denomination who hold two vastly different theological positions." All this and more, and an article entitled, "Showdown Coming on Church Divisions, Christianity Today, February 1968." Yeah, this is nothing new.

Whether it was 53 years ago, 500 years ago, 2,000 years ago, Christians have had disagreements. And that's why you don't have to look very hard in the Bible to find passages that talk about this very subject. And so today I want to take it to just one of them. It's Ephesians 4 as we think about how to rekindle my relationships. Now, in this passage, Paul is speaking to relationships within the church. And this is something so important that on the night that Jesus was arrested, just before that, he prayed for every single person who would ever follow him.

And he says this in John 17, "I pray that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you have sent me." And you'd catch how massively important this is. Jesus says that the quality of our relationships directly impacts the credibility of the gospel. And we all play a part here. So let's get down to it. There are five things today that if applied to our lives will absolutely improve our relationships. And again, Paul is speaking to church relationships, but these principles, they apply to any relationship: couples, families, friends, coworkers, neighbors, you name it.

So right now, I want to invite you to think of a specific relationship or relationships that quite honestly could use some improvement. Go ahead and take a moment to think and identify that. I'm going to wait for you. All right. Got it? All right. Here we go. Now, as we go through this text and see these principles, I want you to continue to think about the relationships that you just identified. Because first of all, if I want to rekindle my relationships, I need to think we instead of me.

I need to see myself as part of something bigger than just me, myself, and I. And for context, Paul spends the first three chapters of Ephesians talking about all the blessings that we have in Christ. And then he pivots at chapter four, beginning with this. He says, "As a prisoner for the Lord then," again, looking back on everything we have in Christ, "I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received." He's saying, okay, now that we're all part of the household of God, let's talk about what it looks like to actually live that way.

Verse two, "Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." "Make every effort to keep the unity," he says. That's so different than the cancel culture of our day where it's like, you know, forget it, you know, I'm done with you. It's it. Make every effort to maintain unity. It's so precious.

And I want you to notice the emphasis in these next couple of verses. He says, "There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called." One Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father who is over all and through all and in all. Now, you don't have to be a Bible scholar to see that this is about our oneness in Christ. And check this out, important detail here because, right, where Paul says, just as you were called to be to one hope when you were called, when we see the word "you," our brains just automatically default to thinking that he's talking to individual persons like you and you and you.

And that's because in English we don't have a plural form of "you" anymore. We used to have one. It was "ye." Like, "here ye, here ye," you know, as talking to a group of people. And really the only remnant of this is in the American South where they say, "yea'll." In fact, when addressing a group, they'll say, "a'y'all." Because it's plural. It's everyone. It's "we" instead of "me." Well, now, this is what's so important because every time you see "you" in this passage, in fact, pretty much in the entire Bible, unless it's direct dialogue between two people, it's all "y'all." This is speaking to all of us.

But again, in our culture, this "me" thinking, it is just completely baked into our consciousness and it's been around for a while. Way back in 1893, a professor named Frederick Jackson Turner presented a paper called "The Significance of the Frontier on American History." And his message gained a lot of traction. And basically, this is what he had to say. He says, "Americans are rugged, self-made people, forged in adversity through the pioneering experience, reborn into a unique breed on Earth." In other words, his paper celebrated the idea of American individualism, which is fine and well if you need to get across the prairie, and the only person that you have to depend on is yourself.

But we've taken this to the extreme. We were not created to be lone rangers who, by the way, only had one friend. Being independent is fine, but we were actually created to be interdependent, which means that by God's grace, we can be diverse without being divided. And that's because what unites us, our one Lord and Savior, is infinitely more important than the things that we might differ on.

Now, I want to be clear about something. I'm not suggesting that it just comes down to your truth and my truth and it's just all squishy. There's no objective truth. No, there are core essentials to our faith, core truths, like the deity of Jesus, his bodily resurrection, that we are saved by grace and not of ourselves. These are things that call for our agreement if our faith is to have any coherence. But then there's all sorts of other things that don't rise to the same threshold.

It's kind of like in a marriage. You don't have to agree about everything with your spouse. You probably don't. But you do have to agree about the important things, right? Like the sanctity of your vows or other things that are just absolutely foundational to your marriage commitment. And, you know, on a practical level, thinking we over me can really make a huge difference. You probably know that one of the main things that couples fight over is money.

And often it's because they've adopted this idea that what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours. You know, I got my bank account. You got yours. And so there is this constant tension over mine versus yours. Well, where's the oneness in that? But if I think of it as our money, then however I spend it, it impacts us. So what affects me affects my wife, Laura, and vice versa. Well, the same thing is true in the church. I mean, let me ask you this. Can the bride of Christ tear itself apart, tear itself down without grieving her groom? I don't think so.

So think we instead of me. Well, I spent a little extra time on this first point, so I'm going to cut to the chase on the second one. You want to know what the secret is to great relationships? The secret to great relationships is serve. Serve. We aren't just part of a team. We actually have a role to play. And I want you to look at these next verses. It says, "It was He," Jesus, "who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ."

This is God's vision for His church. And it's not just about pastors and other professional Christians. He says in verse 16, "From Him the whole body joined and held together by every supporting ligament grows and builds itself up in love as each part does its work." And I want you to notice here, it takes work. It doesn't happen overnight. This is a journey that we are on, that we're part of. And it's like building muscle, you know, as each person does their part, which means there's no spectators in the faith. It's not a spectator sport. It's a body. It's something that a family, something that we actively participate in.

You know, I think of all the people that Adrian mentioned that volunteered for our Easter services last weekend, you know, greeters, people that checked others in, people that arrived early to set up decorations or serve food, who served in our children's ministry. I mean, these people are living out what Paul's talking about here in Ephesians. And along the way, they're developing friendships and bonds that really wouldn't exist otherwise. And this is true in any situation that you can think of.

In fact, I'll give you a really dramatic one. In his book, "Tribe," Sebastian Younger talks about a teenage girl who was trapped in the siege of Sarajevo. You might remember this happened in 1993. It was terrible, terrible, a bloody war. And this young girl, Nizara, she is struck by shrapnel from artillery. She has to get emergency surgery. And then she spends the next six months holding up in her parents' apartment. She and the other teenagers spend all their time pretty much down in the basement, which doubled as a bomb shelter.

And while they were there, they came together in such a way. Other teenagers tended to Nizara's wounds. They shared what they had. They helped each other out. In fact, on Nizara's birthday, a neighbor gave her a single egg as a present. Imagine, "Happy birthday. Here's your egg." But Nizara, it was so precious to her. She wanted to share it with all of her friends. And, you know, how do you divvy up one egg? Well, she had the idea, "I'll make pancakes." Well, over the course of time, her leg began to deteriorate, so much so that her parents decided out of desperation to sneak her out of Sarajevo and send her to Italy where she healed.

But she became so lonely, Nizara did something that few people would ever consider. She snuck back in to war-torn Sarajevo, which was just a sniper's alley. And why did she do this? Well, years later, she explains to Sebastian Younger, she says -- this is her right here -- she says, "I missed being that close to people. I missed being loved in that way." Now, watch this. "To help another human being who is sitting or standing or lying close to you." At that, Sebastian Younger asked Nizara if she wasn't actually happier in the war. Her answer? "We were the happiest, and we laughed more." I mean, it's crazy.

But even in a situation like that, even in a situation you're in right now, you want to grow closer to people, find a way to serve. And you might be thinking to yourself, "I don't even know where to start. I've actually been holed up in my home. I've been isolated for a year." Well, you can pray for people. You can send someone an encouraging note. If you're able to get about town, you can ask a neighbor, "Hey, I'm going to the grocery store. Can I pick something up for you?" Or you can drop cookies off. It doesn't have to be complicated. In fact, Ronald Reagan once said this. He says, "We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone." So ask God to show you how you can put this into practice with a specific relationship in your life right now.

Well, the third way to rekindle my relationships is this. It's to be a builder, not a wrecking ball. You get my drift here? Be someone who builds others up, not someone who tears them down. You know, years ago, I was serving in a ministry, and one of the people that I was serving with, she told me early on that she had the gift of discernment. The gift of discernment. And what I came to realize is that she felt that that gave her the ability to discern whenever I was doing something wrong.

And even in those moments, I would try to make her see maybe a different point of view, but I was always unsuccessful because after all, she had the gift of discernment, so she was always right. Now, that was a long time ago, and I really have to say that Valerie has come a long way. She's a lot easier to work with. I'm kidding. Or am I? I want you to look at what Paul writes in verse 29. He says, "Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." In short, hear me. Our words matter.

Your words, my words, they matter. Proverbs 18 goes so far as to say this, the tongue has the power of life and death. I mean, you can't really put it any more strongly than that, so the question is, how are you using your words? One person who had just an incredible impact on my life is this man right here. This is Pastor Roy Craft, who was the pastor to the Lakes Church for 47 years. He was my pastor in childhood and all the way into my early adulthood, and it's really impossible for me to measure the impact that Pastor Craft had on my life and on the lives of countless other peoples in this church and well beyond.

But one of the ways he did this in my life is that on occasion, he might see me here at church and he'd ask how I was doing, we'd have a brief conversation, and then on about three or four times, I can distinctly remember in that conversation, he would just look me in the eye and he would say, "Mark, I want you to know that I believe God has great plans for your life." I mean, wow. Do you know how powerful that is? To have someone that you look up to, that you regard with such high esteem when they speak into your life in that way? I mean, it's amazing.

Think about it. It only cost him a couple moments of his time, a little intentionality, but for me, it helped shape my life for every day I have on this earth. And I don't know, he could have said the same thing to 250 other people, but when he said it to me, it was profound. It was powerful. And by the way, what Paul says here doesn't just apply to spiritual leaders. Okay, this is all y'all stuff here. This is all of us. So again, how are you using your words? I mean, who is someone that you can build up right now?

Maybe it's the person that you thought of at the beginning, or maybe in a relationship that's on your mind that burdens you. It's on the rocks, quite frankly. But remember, your tongue has the power of life, so use it wisely. And if you want to be someone who's positive, who looks to build people up, rather than tear them down, well then we're all inevitably going to have to do this fourth thing, and it's not easy. It is forgive, forgive, forgive.

You know, these words can sink a relationship. And unforgiveness will keep it there. In verses 26 and 27, Paul says, "In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." When we hold on to anger and let it fester day after day, we are literally giving the devil a foothold in our lives. Now, who in the world would want to do that? As irrational as it is, we do it anyway. I can tell you as a pastor, I've seen far too many times someone refuses to forgive and they become embittered.

And it impacts all their other relations. It impacts their outlook on life, and it brings their life to a point that's actually worse than the original injury was, because unforgiveness is toxic. It's drinking your own poison. That's why Paul continues saying, "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice." He says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another." Here it is, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

Now, we would all agree we need God's forgiveness. As a Christian, that's step one, admitting, "Man, I need your forgiveness, Lord." But we can't have it both ways. If I refuse to forgive, I'm burning the bridge that I need to cross. And sometimes people will say, "Well, I'll forgive so-and-so when they make it right." Well, does God wait until we make it right? Where would that put us? Hell, actually. And listen, forgiveness doesn't mean that everything stays the same. If you're in an abusive relationship, forgiveness doesn't mean you run right back into that relationship. No. There may be practical changes.

Forgiveness means you release the resentment. You turn that situation over to God, and you trust Him to judge justly. And so right now, let's make this very practical. If you are holding on to a grievance against somebody, today could be the first step you take towards freedom. And that step begins when you simply admit, "Lord, I know I need to forgive this person. Would You give me the will to make that choice?" I tell you, if you pray that prayer, Jesus is going to meet you, and He's going to empower you to move on, to move forward.

Yes, it's a process. Forgiving can take time. But He's going to give you the power to do it. It just starts with your willingness to make that simple choice, "Lord, I choose to forgive. Now help me to live it out." And listen, I know this from personal experience. It's not easy. And sometimes the person you forgive, they could care less. They don't change at all, but it's not for them, it's for you. You'll change. You'll be set free. You'll get your joy back. And not only that, but all your other relationships will benefit too, because after all, forgiving people are a lot more fun to be around than bitter ones. So you just can't lose here. Forgive as Christ has forgiven you.

Final point. Let me give you the other secret to great relationships. The other secret is this, it's sacrifice. This is the linchpin of everything that we've been talking about. The first four points, they all rest on this last one, sacrifice. I want you to look at these final verses. Paul says, "Be imitators of God." He's our Father, and so he wants his children to be like him. Makes sense, right? "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love," there's this phrase again, "just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

Divine love is sacrificial love. For God so loved the world he what? He gave. Just this past week, there was an amazing example of sacrificial love. A woman in Japan received the world's first ever lung transplant from live donors. True story. COVID completely destroyed this woman's heart, or excuse me, her lungs. And when it was clear she would not survive without a lung transplant, her husband and her son, because there were no other options available, they chose to donate parts of their own lungs.

Here's the x-rays from the operation before her lungs are completely destroyed. But after the operation, you see these two dark places here. This is the donated lung tissue. In fact, the husband and the son each donated a lower lobe of one of their lungs. And here are those lobes right here. This husband and son, they were warned of possible health risks because they would, for the rest of their lives, not have the same lung capacity. And yet, out of love, they made this amazing sacrifice anyway. Wow.

Now, the truth is that most of us will not be asked to sacrifice on this level. Far more likely, it'll be little daily sacrifices that we choose to make, like showing up to work so you can provide for your family, or cleaning dirty dishes or a dirty bathroom, helping a child with homework when you really don't feel like it, just setting aside time to pray for other people. It could be a thousand different things, but what they all have in common is they're going to cost you something. Time, energy, attention, maybe even more.

But whenever you make this sacrifice, whenever I make these types of sacrifices, we are imitating Jesus. We are loving others just as Christ loves us. So as we close, I want to invite you to recall the relationship or relationships that I invited you to think about at the very beginning of this message. And with those in mind, I want you to ask yourself, "Where do I need to apply this? I mean, maybe more we and less me, or perhaps I just need to find a way to serve that person. Or if I'm honest, I realize in my speech, I need to be more of a builder and less of a wrecking ball, or I need to let go of the grievance I have. I need to forgive.

If any of these apply, it will come at some sacrifice. But after all, that's the way of Jesus, isn't it? And by God's grace, it will be the way of His followers too. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, we thank You for all the things that You did, all that You have given, so that we could be in relationship with You now and for eternity. So we thank You for Your grace that makes this possible. Thank You for Your love that motivated the most infinite, priceless sacrifice of all, the life of Your Son on the cross.

And so Lord, I pray that You would give us the desire to follow You in the ways Scripture instructs us. I pray, Lord, that You would, by Your Spirit, by Your grace, Lord, turn us into people that love in such a way that in those relationships there's blessing and there's healing, there's restoration, in such a way that our community stands back in awe and says, "Wow, see how they love for Your glory, for our blessing, and for the advancement of Your gospel." We pray this in the precious name of the lover of our souls, Jesus Christ. Amen.