Start Improving My Self-Control

The Great Wall of China. An absolutely stunning structure. It once stretched for over 4,000 continuous miles. In fact, at one point in its history, if you had stretched it out in a straight line, it would have reached all the way around the globe one and a half times. Absolutely amazing.

Now how many people did it take to build something this stunning? Well, millions of people worked on it. We'll never know how many, but millions starting in 700 BC. These walls were constructed across seemingly insurmountable obstacles across mountains and through deserts and through wilderness and thick forests all the way to the very edge of the ocean. It was designed to be impenetrable. I mean they worked on this so hard, so long, no army could possibly breach it. Or so they thought.

What they didn't realize was that the weakest point in the wall was the human heart of every guard. The sentries could be bribed, and that is how the Empire fell. In the mid 1600s, at one of the most well-guarded, well-fortified parts of the wall, a traitorous guard simply let the enemy cavalry soldiers ride right through. They turned around and they punched this hole in the wall, which still stands, by the way. To this day, it has not been fixed. Animals and shepherds just wander in and out, one weak spot in the wall, and the entire Empire fell.

And what we're gonna talk about this morning is how not to be that wall. How you can live your life and not lose everything good because of one small area of compromise. Grab your message notes that look like this in your bulletins. You can also get them online. We're gonna conclude our series. Start. My name is René, one of the pastors here. We started this the first January weekend in the New Year looking at the book of Proverbs. That's a book of the Bible, and we wanted to see what it says about common resolutions that we humans make.

And we're gonna wrap it up today with a topic from the book of Proverbs that really covers just about any possible New Year's resolution you could possibly make. No matter what it is, it's gonna be covered by the topic we talk about today because every single resolution, whether it's I'm gonna lose weight, I'm gonna quit smoking, I'm gonna start this, I'm gonna stop that, they are all basically about improving my self-control. And so that's our topic this morning, and here's our key verse, Proverbs 25:28. It's gonna be on the screen. It's also in your notes. Let's read this out loud together. Ready? Here we go.

Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control. Notice this verse does not say a person without self-control is like a city without any wall. It doesn't say that, does it? All you need to be is a city without part of a wall, and the whole enemy army can come pouring through when you have a strong wall, but part of it is broken through. Do you see how this applies to your self-control?

You might have strong walls in your life. You might have a great career you've built up over the years. Maybe you even are financially secure. You have a good reputation you've built over the years. You've developed skills. You've raised a great loving family. But the fact is one weak spot in one part of the wall of your self-control could in one moment endanger everything.

And if you just want proof, the headlines have been filled with proof the last few weeks of men of power and of privilege. Many of these men, self-made men who had great reputations, worked hard to build up those walls. But it turns out that there was a breach in the wall of their self-control and so many have now lost it all. But don't just point fingers at them. That's a sure way not to learn a lesson, right? How do we keep this from happening to ourselves?

How do you and I shore up the weak parts of our wall because we've all got weaknesses? How can you get stronger in your self-control? Well, did you know there is a principle about self-control all throughout the book of Proverbs? And in fact it's all throughout the book of the Bible. It's like on every page. And yet most people completely ignore it. Most people who don't read the Bible don't even know it's in the Bible. And most Christians pay no attention to it.

I paid no attention to this principle for most of my life not only as a Christian but as a pastor. In fact if you had asked me earlier in my pastor career, "How can I have better self-control pastor?" And many people did ask me this, you know, "How can I quit this? How can I start this? How can I have better self-control?" And my answer always amounted to some form of this. These are the rules. Do them. But that's really hard.

Well, here's some extra rules we call these ones spiritual disciplines. These rules will help you keep these rules. But those are really hard. Well, try harder. In fact, that's what I kept telling myself until I discovered that's not the Bible's answer. So what is? If try harder is not the answer, then what is? Well, this morning we're going to learn what the Bible actually recommends when it comes to improving your self-control.

And if you stick with me, if you follow the reasoning throughout the book of Proverbs and then other verses in the Bible, then you are going to learn a principle that can really change your life. It'll change the way you read the Bible. It'll change the way you see the world. It'll change your relationships. And I know because it changed mine. Now I'm still a work in progress, of course. But this principle we're going to learn today has dramatically changed the way I understand scripture and the way I live my life and completely changed the way I look at self-control.

So this morning I want to talk about just two things. The problem of self-control and then the practice of self-control. And we're going to start with the problem. Look at these verses, Proverbs 23:19–21. Great verses. "Listen, my son, be wise. Set your heart on the right path. Do not join with those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor and drowsiness clothes them in rags."

What he's talking about here is people who have eaten so much meat and drunk so much wine that drowsiness overtakes them and they just have to crawl off somewhere and just take a nap. This is church. You have to be honest. How many of you have experienced that at Thanksgiving? Let's just be honest because I have. But this is not just talking about taking a nap after a wonderful Thanksgiving meal because of the reference to becoming poor and being clothed in rags. This verse is talking about people who lack self-control habitually and so you can say they live in a state of drowsiness. They can't think straight. They can't make good decisions.

Now let me ask you this. Do you think our culture needs to hear this warning? Our society? Don't take my word for it. LA Times, you know, this isn't like Pastors Weekly. LA Times had an article. Here's the first couple of paragraphs. Millions of Americans are now described as having addictions. If not to drugs or alcohol then do food, cigarettes, exercise, relationships, sex, shopping, work, video games. A new monthly magazine deals with addictions. More than 200 different kinds of addictions are now dealt with by groups in America. 18 million Americans have a drinking problem. Americans are collectively 2.3 billion pounds overweight.

Now I'm glad there's all those support groups but what this article is showing is that as a culture, us, we are becoming living examples of this verse in Proverbs. So how do I avoid that happening to me? How do you avoid that happening? How do we together get self-control? Well first we got to define terms, right? What do we even mean when we talk about self-control? Here's an old definition that I love. Self-control is the ability to distinguish between important things and urgent things. The ability to distinguish and I would say and to choose in any given situation the important things over the urgent things.

Now one of the reasons I like this is it's not what, follow me here, it's not saying get rid of your desires which is the answer that some religions will give you. You just got to stop having desire and then you're going to have more self-control. That's actually not the Bible's answer. The Bible's answer is you can distinguish between those urgent feelings and the more important things in your life.

For example, look up here for just a minute. If I just ate my personal all-time favorite dessert which is apricot pie, I love it so much. Are there any fellow apricot pie lovers here? Just raise your hand. Oh good. Well I'm causing you to stumble right now by just showing you this picture but if I just ate apricot pie whenever I felt like it which would be for breakfast, for lunch, and for dinner every single day and entire pie at every meal, my urgent appetite would be met but my long-term health would be destroyed and that is way, way more important.

Another example, if you satisfy sexual urges which are, which feel urgent, urge and urgent from the same root but if you satisfy sexual urges at the expense of an actual real human relationship or at the expense of your conscience or at the expense maybe of your own marriage, you're fulfilling a delicious urgent desire but at the risk of losing something much, much more important. Does that make sense?

Now this is obvious when it comes to food and sex like I just talked about or alcohol or drugs but there are less obvious ones like maybe your speech is out of control and you're indulging every word that comes to your brain but it's hurting relationships. Honestly I have been there sadly I go there many times or maybe your thoughts are out of control you can't stop your anxious thoughts, your worries, you just let them run wild, everything's worrying you and it's damaging your long-term mental health and your relationships. People are so tired of you just being so worried and negative all the time. I've been there too.

What I'm saying is just about everybody's out of control somewhere. In fact we were listening to KCBS News Radio, my wife and I, while we were driving out just this past Wednesday and they had an interview with an expert about addiction to technology. Right? A lot of us are so locked into our portable devices that we're missing out on life so we all have some area or more than one area where we're out of self-control we could use more self-control that's the problem of self-control and it's a big problem.

Now what are we gonna do about this? You know what in my experience a lot of pastors when I was growing up would just stop right here right? It would just be kids let me tell you all about sin and all about how rock music is bad and all about this is bad and this is bad and this is bad and you guys are being bad so let's close in a word of prayer and that would be it. Kind of the classic bad dog sermon right? We've talked about that before where the pastor stands up every single week he tells the congregation you've been bad dogs bad bad dog bad bad bad bad dog and the congregation leaves with its tail between its legs like this every single week and the only thing they look for for messages is conviction because that's all they ever get but that's not the Bible's answer.

Where's the hope in that kind of an approach? Where's the practice of self-control? Don't just tell me to do it how do I do it? How do I change? How can you leave here having made progress? How do you leave here with something positive with some forward momentum? Well this is where it gets surprising. Stick with me here at page two I want to show you some principles from the Bible as a foundation. Let's go beyond the usual sin sermon right and learn something positive.

Now you can find a lot more biblical principles for change at our 12-step recovery meetings here on Monday nights Thursday nights you don't have to sign up to show up right over in Munski Monday nights Thursday nights I highly recommend checking them out no matter what it is that you're struggling with but let's start with these three and here's what I want you to do I want you to actually take these notes and keep them for the next 40 days until Easter and I want you to do something with them. I'll tell you what in just a few minutes when we wrap this up but jot these down.

Number one take honest self-inventory. Honest self-inventory kind of an internal audit. I try to ask myself questions like this frequently where can I improve in my different roles in my life? Where did I lose my self-control recently like in the last two weeks? I can think of two or three instances that popped in my head right now. Okay how long have I had that problem? Where did that come from? What seems to be tempting me right now? Or what are my fears right now?

You know what let's read this next verse Proverbs 14:8 out loud together let me hear you the prudent understand where they are going but fools deceive themselves. Isn't that great verse? The prudent understand where they're going where they're headed you need to be honest about what direction your life choices are taking you right now. If I keep doing this where am I gonna go? But watch this fools deceive themselves. You know this word for that denial. When you say I don't have a problem with this you're not deceiving anybody else. Everybody around you knows you've got a problem with temper or drinking or whatever your problem is. You're only trying to deceive yourself and one of the most common forms of denial is blaming.

Look at Proverbs 19:3 this is fascinating. Some people ruin themselves by their own stupid actions and then they blame the Lord. Have you seen that happen? Have you done this? Who are you blaming for your weaknesses or problems? Maybe the Lord like in this verse or maybe your parents maybe your children you know maybe your spouse maybe your boss maybe your childhood maybe the devil the devil made me do it. This is saying I've got to assume responsibility for my own life and this needs to be continual. Healthy people are always evaluating themselves and you know what involve trusted people. Ask people how can I improve? Where do you see me needing more self-control and then don't get defensive about their responses.

Now if you just stop here with step one this has the potential to destroy you. So you have to after you're doing this honest self-inventory what are my weaknesses? You got to move as fast as you can to step two and believe God can help you. Believe God in fact he's already waiting to help you. Listen you already know you can't change in your own power so why not go straight to the source of all power. Look at Proverbs 29:25 this is such a great verse Proverbs 29:25 this is one of those Bible verses everybody got has got to memorize because it's so applicable in so many situations but I want to take it a certain direction right now let's read this together let me hear you. Fearing people is a dangerous trap but trusting the Lord means safety.

Fearing people you might think of being intimidated by enemies you know or intimidated by other human beings and that certainly applies here but do you realize that this includes fear of yourself? Your people? Are you afraid of your own weaknesses? Honestly are you afraid that you will never change? Are you afraid that your bad side is just too strong? Hear this well it is never too late to start over don't ever fear that there is no hope for you don't ever fear that God has done with you don't ever fear that because of your past you have no future you have a hope where where is your hope according to this verse by trusting in the Lord that's where your hope is not trusting in your own strength trusting of the Lord.

Now listen carefully this doesn't mean you understand the Lord and it does not mean that you understand everything that people say who say that they trust in the Lord it doesn't mean you dress like the other people who say they trust in the Lord and it doesn't mean you agree politically with all the people who say that they trust in the Lord all the time you're not trusting in them it says you trust in the Lord and that just means you say God I really need you I just want to turn over the management of my life to you I throw my full weight of my life on you and then God begins to change you by the power of his Holy Spirit from the inside out and there are hundreds of people in this room right now who could testify to that.

You see well but how does this work here's how you can cooperate with God's process of changing you point number three you focus on something better really the key to self-control is not to resist it's to refocus look at Proverbs 4:23 watch this be careful how you what think your life is shaped by your what your thoughts the battle for self-control is won or lost in the mind whatever gets your attention gets you please don't miss that principle because ironically it's in trying to resist our temptations that were actually captured by our temptations.

You know some of you dear brothers and sisters who've been trying to quit smoking for example I got a brother here in this church right now who's made a lot of progress on that this year but here's how not to quit smoking some of you have been telling yourself don't smoke don't smoke don't smoke don't smoke don't if I told myself not to smoke as often as some of you smokers do I'd be puffing on eight cigars a day seriously or don't eat that donut don't eat that donut don't eat that donut or don't drink don't drink don't drink don't drink or don't look at porn don't look at porn don't look at porn or don't be afraid of the future don't be afraid of the future don't be afraid of the future or whatever your weaknesses you're focusing on the very thing you're trying to stop so what do I focus on you focus on the positive and what is the most positive thing you could possibly focus on God.

Look at Proverbs 18:10 the name of the Lord is a strong tower the righteous runs into it and is safe that's a great verse now quick show of hands how many of you've ever heard this verse in your life the name of the Lord is a strong tower the righteous runs into it is I got a question for you many of you maybe most of you have heard it what does this mean what does this verse actually mean practically?

Well let's kind of take it apart a strong tower in this verse they're running into the tower why would anybody be running into a tower well in the ancient world if an attack breached the walls the people inside for safety would run to the tower because inside the walls there was an additional place of security like this castle keep they called it a strong tower where people could run to for protection in case of invasion and this verse is saying everybody has a tower in their lives psychologically speaking a place that they see as their ultimate place of security where when they're intimidated when they're tempted that's where they go.

If I have that in my life then I'll be okay the problem is when we have an imagined strong tower that isn't really secure like this isn't in your notes but the very next verse in the book of Proverbs says this the wealth of the rich is their strong tower they imagine it a wall too high to scale and I included this because I think a lot of us discovered this past week it's not as secure as we sometimes think it is right but you could insert anything what is it for you the approval of others is my strong tower a happy family is my strong tower a record of achievement that's my strong tower good friends or my strength I have that then I'm secure those are all fine things I hope you have all those things not one of them is secure not eternally the only thing that's eternally secure that can never fail you according to this verse is the name of the Lord.

This verse says run into it run to it in times of insecurity you run into the name of the Lord because the name of the Lord is that strong tower what does that mean I do not know let's close in a word of prayer I really don't have I don't know what this means for sure but here's what I think it means in Hebrew culture in Bible times your name was not just what people called you your name summarized your character and this is why in Bible times when somebody got converted they changed their name to reflect what was now true of them.

So the name of the Lord means not just his written name it means his nature the true nature of God so I believe what this verse means is to run into the name of the Lord is to proactively assertively forcefully remind yourself who God is he is a God of love he's a God of grace he's a God of compassion he's a God who has total control and you focus on that and not on yourself.

You see I still don't get it let's say you feel like I can never change I have failed so many times you run into the name of the Lord and you remind yourself forcefully that God is a God of infinite power and that means that there are infinite possibilities that he can make out of your life or you remind yourself God's the creator and that means he can create something brand new out of the mess of your life or you remind yourself that God has unconditional love God is love and that means he loves you loves you just as much when you've messed up as when you followed the straight and narrow path that is running into the name of the Lord.

And you know what my favorite name of the Lord to run into is Jesus that means Jehovah saves and in his life Jesus demonstrated just how that works and so like this verse says Hebrews 12:2 let us fix our eyes on Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith who for the joy set before him endured the cross that is the key that I so often missed it's counterintuitive but the key to self-control in your life the key to improving your life and your character is not to focus on yourself it's to focus away from yourself to forget yourself to become a lost in adoration of Jesus Christ and when you think of him and what he did for you on the cross and how much he loves you that is when you are changed.

When your heart when your imagination is captured by this some of you maybe still don't get it I want to show you one of my all-time favorite passages of the Bible on self-control it is so surprising that the verses I'm about to show you are actually in the Bible because if you really pay attention what I'm gonna show you in the next couple of minutes you'll see it completely subverts what most people think the Bible teaches about how to have self-control don't don't miss this kind of put on your thinking caps here right look at Colossians 2 starting in verse 20 the Apostle Paul is writing to some new believers and he says why as though you still belong to the world in other words as though you weren't followers of Christ why do you still submit to its rules do not handle do not taste do not touch.

Now if you got your pen or pencil with your circle rules and all the times it says do not do not do not do not am I right when I say this is exactly how most people think the Bible teaches us to have self-control right a bunch of don'ts rules that say do not do this but watch this the Apostle Paul who is writing this is saying yeah that never works.

Next verse such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom with their harsh treatment of the body but they lack any value in actually restraining central indulgence does he say those rules have some value no he says they lack any value in restraining central indulgence. Now it's not that any rules are bad we need some rules of course for like traffic control and stuff like that what he's saying here in the sentence is they don't empower you to improve your self-control they're not the way to better self-control.

Why not because as we've seen here the rules actually focus your attention on the very thing you're trying to avoid and so they evoke a desire to do that thing that they're against so what's the solution? Well in the English Bible it starts a new chapter chapter 3 but actually in the original there's no chapter breaks this is just the next sentence Paul says so set your hearts on things above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God to set your mind on things above not on earthly things.

Do you see you refocus on Jesus when he says set your hearts emotionally set your minds your imagination emotionally and cognitively focus on the Savior and not on your sin and that's gonna change you from the inside out.

All right I'm still seeing some blank stares so let me try to explain it this way have you ever found yourself walking through let's say a store or walking on the beach and somebody's got a radio playing or you're just walking down the street and all of a sudden you start to hear some music and it makes you start to kind of tap your toe a little bit go ahead and tap your toes with me right now go ahead and tap your toes and then it makes you kind of start snapping your fingers go ahead and snap your finger and maybe you even clap your hands a little bit go kind of like this yeah a little bit like this and then the more you think about the more your shoulders move before you know it you're starting to dance a little bit you weren't even thinking about dancing you're not even thinking about dancing now but the music is making you move.

And then somebody walks into that scene and he can't hear any music in fact this person who walks in on this scene is completely hard of hearing he can't hear music all he sees is you and me clapping and tapping our toes snapping our fingers and we're laughing and we're giggling and it looks like we're having fun and he thinks to himself I'd like to have fun I'd like to laugh and giggle like that and apparently what they're doing is making them have that kind of joy so I'm gonna do exactly what they do follow me here so he starts tapping his toes he starts snapping his fingers and he starts clapping and he tries it for maybe 10 minutes maybe 20 maybe a half an hour but after all he goes this is not fun in fact it's repetitive it's boring I don't see the point I tried doing whatever it is that they're doing they call it dancing it didn't work for me so I'm not doing it anymore and they walk away.

What's the problem they never heard the music? The music that makes us move. All right stop it now two things first did you think you'd hear Justin Timberlake in church today did anybody think that? And secondly do you see where I'm going with this that person who was hard of hearing that is exactly the experience that many people have with Christianity because they see people who love Jesus and they have a personal relationship with Jesus and knowing that God loves them that just brings them such joy they're hearing the music of God's love for them and so that makes them want to read the Bible it's a love letter that makes them want to pray it's it's a love conversation that makes them want to have self-discipline because they don't want to drift away from that relationship.

But people come into church and they go that person seems serene that person seems centered that person has self-control that person is joyful I'd like all of that in my life so I am going to do exactly what they do I'm gonna get up early every morning and have devotions I'm gonna read the Bible I'm gonna go to church I'm gonna sing worship songs I'm gonna tap my toes and snap my fingers and clap just like them and you know what it's not doing anything for me in fact it's repetitive and it's dry and I don't see the point of this at all and so I'm gonna leave and I'm going to say I tried Christianity and it didn't work for me.

And sadly some people stay in churches and many churches are filled with people who are doing all the dance moves but they don't hear the music that changes them from the inside out and what these verses are talking about is that the secret to self-control is hearing the music setting your imagination and your emotion your heart and your mind on things above and that starts to transform your behavior in a sustainable organic way does that make sense?

Well here's the good news you're gonna have a chance to practice this for the next 40 days like maybe you've never done before watch this little preview about what's coming up starting next weekend we all have a chance to practice this by focusing on Jesus during Lent.

Let me ask you a question what holiday so to speak is this Wednesday anybody know Valentine's Day guys did you hear that Valentine's Day do not forget it but also you know what else it is it is Ash Wednesday which is the beginning of Lent. What is Lent traditionally? It is 40 days of fasting and repentance before Easter. What does that mean? What's repentance? What is that all about? It's the three points you just wrote down you make an honest self-inventory you take those to God trusting in him that he can empower you to change and then you focus on something better than that you focus specifically on what Jesus came to do on the cross.

So here's why I said keep these notes keep them put them up somewhere because this this is your guide for what to do during the next 40 days leading up to Easter and we want to help equip you to do that starting next weekend we're gonna have a brand new series that focuses on Jesus Christ during Lent.

Now during Lent people fast why fast? Not to earn brownie points from God God already loves you unconditionally you don't have to make him like you anymore by trying to display your self-control so why fast? First it reminds your body who is boss it reminds your body who's boss you remember your body and its urges are not the boss of you God's the boss of you during Lent traditional you don't have to fast but traditionally Christians fast a little bit that means to give something up some fast from food for one day a week for the next four or five weeks some fast for one meal a day once a week or once a month others fast from other things like maybe fasting from their mobile device from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. or something like that.

Why fast? It teaches your body whose boss your urges are not your boss God's your boss but the most important reason to fast is because it gives you more time for God because you take the time that you were spending doing whatever you're fasting from and you take that found time to focus on something better and again we want to equip you we want to help you to actually succeed at this.

I mentioned next weekend we're gonna start a new series the light in the darkness we're gonna be going through the chapters and mark that lead up to the cross that's gonna take us all the way to Easter and so that'll help you focus on Jesus and here's another way we're gonna help you might notice we put in the printed daily meditations on the back of your notes daily devotions that start on ash Wednesday we're going to do this for all the 40 days of Lent leading up to Good Friday and Easter weekend and these all tie into the daily video devos that you can text to get every single morning at 7 a.m. all to help you do what we've been talking about today which is to refocus on Jesus Christ.

I am so looking forward to these next 40 days I want to urge you to commit to not missing a weekend to not missing those devotions why not to try harder to be better but to kind of put up your sails to catch the wind of the Holy Spirit and you're gonna hear the music and you're gonna be changed.

Let me close with this some of you know that when my dad was dying of cancer in his hospital room one of the last things he did was to sing a song talk about hearing the music I think he was a man who heard the music of Jesus Christ deep in his soul and with one of his last breaths he sang this song turn your eyes upon Jesus look full in his wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and his grace.

Maybe your own life is in chaos right now your own walls have big gaps don't sit depressed looking at them focus instead on Jesus and hear the music of his love you know what you'll discover in the next 40 days if you stick with us you will find that you can never underestimate the transforming effect of simply thinking about Jesus come with us on this journey and you'll find the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and his grace.

Let's pray together would you bow your heads with me with our heads bowed you know of course I don't know what's out of control in your life and maybe you don't even know but God knows so would you in your own heart just pray to God and say help me to be honest about where I am headed with the life I'm leading right now help me to see my own weaknesses and sins with accuracy and then help me believe you can help me not to be afraid not to be hopeless but to simply put my trust in you right now even if I don't understand it all just to trust you Lord trust you to save me and God help me then to refocus on you daily to remember who you are to run to that as a strong tower and help me especially right now as we wrap up this hour to refocus on Jesus because I can tend to focus so much on temptation so help my walls help my life to be built back up again by self forgetfulness and adoration of you and especially help me to build my life on what you did for us on the cross in your name we pray amen.