The Secret to Self-Control

Well, let's continue our weekend series, "The Art of Living Well." We are looking at the book of Proverbs every single week. This is a book of the Bible that was written about 3,000 years ago, but it is as relevant as today's newspaper. And here is one example. The LA Times had an article, quote, "Millions of Americans are now described as having addictions, if not to drugs or alcohol, than to food, cigarettes, exercise, relationships, sex, shopping, work, video games. A new monthly magazine deals with addictions. More than 200 different kinds of addictions now are dealt with by groups in America. 18 million Americans have a drinking problem. Americans are 2.3 billion pounds overweight. That makes me feel a little bit better, but you know, just in general, that's 94% of therapists report seeing an increase in porn addiction. I think we need to hear this message.

Let's talk about the secret of self-control today. How to break free from a bad habit. Because if you believe that article from the LA Times in an article yesterday in the Wall Street Journal about the same thing, we are a nation of people who are in one way or another addicted to bad habits. And I don't care what your bad habit is. We're all the same here. None of us is better than anybody else, but we've all got one to some degree. And so how can you change? How can you walk out of here today not feeling guilty about some bad habit you've got? I don't want you to feel guilty. I don't ever want you to feel guilty when you leave church. I want you to feel lightened because you are leaving here having had some progress made in some area where you have not seen progress for a while in your life. To the glory of God, you're gonna see some progress made today, and I know you are.

Now, I call this message the secret of self-control. But I'm not calling it the secret of self-control because the Bible keeps it a secret, and you have to know like the Bible code to unlock it or something. It's only a secret because most people don't pay any attention to it. This secret of self-control is practically on every page of the Bible. And yet you ask even most Christians, what does the Bible say about controlling your impulses? And they will answer with some form of, "Well, you just got to try harder. You just got to try harder to keep the rules." And not only is that not what the Bible says, that's basically the opposite of what the Bible says. And if that confuses you, then you need to join us on this journey and discover what for many of us is the lost secret of true biblical self-control.

Now, today I want to do two things. I want to look at the problem of self-control and then the practice of self-control. So first, grab your notes, the very first entry, the problem of self-control. It's a big issue, and the book of Proverbs talks a lot about this in verses like Proverbs 25:28. And this is going to be sort of our central metaphor this morning, so let's read this verse out loud together. Let me hear you say this with me. "Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control." Now, it says, "Like a city whose walls are broken through." What is this all about? These days, not very many cities have walls anymore, right? And when we do see old cities with walls, we go, "How picturesque?" We take pictures.

We were with the church group about a year ago in Israel. We took some pictures of the city of Jerusalem, which is surrounded by medieval walls. It's very picturesque. You see these cities in Europe or down in the Mideast or Africa? Wow, it's so beautiful. But in those days, in Bible times, city walls weren't primarily for beauty. City walls were for protection. Without a wall, a city couldn't have a market economy, because it would be attacked by bandits and vandals all the time. Without a wall, a city couldn't have a functioning government. Without a wall, a city couldn't have a functioning legal system and courts. Laws were crucial to the organization, to the security, to the stability of a society.

And so this says, "Like a city whose walls are broken through," is a person who lacks self-control. That is, when you lack self-control, your life starts to get disorganized and you're letting in enemy forces and your life becomes unstable. Now, I want you to notice a couple of things in this verse. It doesn't say, "Like a city without walls." All you need to be is a city with part of a wall that's broken, a city whose walls are punched through, broken through, and the whole enemy army can come pouring in. Probably the best example of this is the Great Wall of China. This once stretched for an amazing 4,000 unbroken continuous miles. Can you believe that? Millions of people worked on this. The walls were constructed across mountains, through deserts, through wilderness, through thick forests, all the way to the edge of the sea.

Now, it's kind of all folded up like this upon itself, but at one point there was even more than one wall. There were several lines of defense, and if you had put them all together and stretched them straight, they would have stretched one and a half times around the globe. Can you believe that? It was designed to be impenetrable. No army could breach it. The Empire was safe. Or so they thought. What they didn't realize was the weakest point in the wall was the human heart of every guard, because sentries can be bribed. And that is how the Empire fell. In the mid-1600s, at one of the most well-guarded spots in the wall, a traitorous guard simply opened the gates and let the enemy cavalry soldiers ride right through, and they punched this hole in the wall for the rest of the army to come pouring in.

So what is that? Maybe 40, 50 yards across? You have 4,000 continuous miles of wall, and you have one traitorous guard and then a 40-yard hole, and the Empire fell. And to this day, as you can see animals, shepherds, just wander in and out. One weak spot on the wall, and the whole kingdom went down. The point is, in your life and my life, we might have great walls, impressive resumes, wonderful talents and gifts, walls that we've built over many years with lots of self-discipline, things you really stand for and are farmed about. But if one little area of your life lacks discipline, it could endanger everything else that you've been building up in your life.

Now this is so easy to see in other people. I was thinking about this this morning, kind of the typical Santa Cruz conversation. You know, I eat only a dolphin-safe tuna, no refined sugar, no caffeine. Yeah, well you know what? I am actually a gluten-free, locavore vegan. I drink only organic milk, eat only organic fruit, use only organic soap. All my tomatoes are heirlooms. All my rope is hemp. All my salt is sea salt imported from the Palestinian territories in solidarity with the oppressed peoples there. And I smoke dope three times a day. You know, you can be really strict about no-growth hormones and then one little thing and your whole life could spiral down.

Or you know what? I work over in the Silicon Valley. I work like 11 hours a day, plus I commute two hours, plus I'm building my portfolio because I have plans to retire early. I buy the best cars, get the best deals on the best clothes. I know the best people and when I come home at night, my wife and kids are already in bed and it makes me feel lonely and I watch porn for an hour and I'm thinking of having an affair. And you get a beautiful 4,000 mile long wall and you're punching a hole in it. And this right there is a picture of your soul. A picture of your soul.

Now if you can resonate this with this at all, you really need to listen to what Proverbs is saying about this. Here's another example. As I said, it talks about this a lot, but in Proverbs 23:19–21, "Listen my son and be wise. Set your heart on the right path. Do not join with those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor and drowsiness clothes them in rags." It's talking here about people who have drunk so much and eaten so much that they get drowsy, right? And you just sort of get tired, can't stay awake, I'm feeling so full. All I need to do is just veg out. Anybody ever been there? Can I see your hands? On the last Thanksgiving, anybody relate to what I'm talking about? Some of, some people in this room are apparently there right now from my perspective. But anyway, nudge them like this.

But listen, this verse is not talking about Thanksgiving. It's not talking about taking a nap because you've had a nice big Thanksgiving meal. This is talking about people who habitually lack self-control when it comes to gluttony, getting drunk, it's saying a nice little glass of something with dinner or a beautifully prepared nice meal. That might be a nice thing, but if you overdo it, what's going to happen? You could say they live in a perpetual state of drowsiness. And it says eventually what's going to happen is poverty is going to overtake you and all your nice clothes are going to turn to rags because they're focused so much on these things that they've breached, something's breached the wall. And so what's inside the wall becomes chaotic.

Tim Keller has a great definition of self-control. He says, "Self-control is the ability to both recognize and choose the important thing over the urgent thing at any given moment." Don't you love that definition? "The important thing over the urgent thing." He goes on, "The most important things are wanted the most and the less important things are desired less." I like this definition because he's not saying, "Oh, get rid of your desires." He's saying prioritize them wisely. For example, if you just eat whatever you feel like, whenever you feel like, in as much quantity as you feel like, your immediate appetite, which is urgent, is fulfilled, but your long-term health, which is way more important, is damaged.

Another example, again there was an article in the paper about this just yesterday about the scourge of pornography. There's all sorts of clinics. We're used to seeing drug clinics, alcohol clinics. There's all sorts of rehab clinics popping up for this because it's an addiction and it's very serious in our country. But that's another example of this. You could satisfy a sexual urge at the expense of a real relationship, at the expense of your conscience, potentially at the expense of your marriage, and you're meeting that immediate urgent need at the expense of something far more important.

Now so far it's been obvious, right? This is obvious when it comes to drugs or alcohol or sex, but there's less obvious ones and this is why I say we're all in this together. Nobody's better in this room than anybody else because maybe you got those things under control, but it's your speech that's out of control and you're indulging every word that comes to mind and it's at the expense of more important long-term relationships. Or maybe it's your thoughts that are out of control. You can't stop your anxious thoughts. You're indulging your worries and it's damaging your long-term health and everybody's out of control somewhere to some degree.

And here's the danger. Neil Plantiga puts it this way, "No matter how they start, addictions operate like this. Addictions begin when we use something we believe will help relieve distress. But then eventually addictions create their own distress and then addicts spiral down when they try to cure the additional pain with the very thing that caused it." Man, that is great insight. Now again, don't be tempted to go, "Oh that's interesting, but that's drugs and alcohol," because it's the same thing with everything. It's what they call the tolerance effect. If you're looking at anything really besides God to give you fulfillment, you're gonna need more and more and more of that thing to get less and less and less of the buzz and it drives you and drives you and drives you until you die.

Here's a question for you. How many of you have seen the award-winning movie about the life of Ray Charles? It was out a few years ago called Ray. Anybody see this movie? Well, I mean I won a lot of awards for good reason. It was very powerful, but Ray Charles was a fascinating guy because he was famous and he was wealthy and he had won multiple Grammys. He was universally acclaimed a genius. He had a wife who adored him. He had kids he adored, but it was all threatened because he lacked self-control and his Christian wife confronts him about it in this scene.

Hello. You can't hide out in here forever, Ray. Look, it's my house. I'm not in prison yet. No, it's my house. You ain't been here more than six days since we moved in. No, Ray. No. But neither of you are going to solve it. The only thing that can help you is God, Ray. You have any idea how fast you're going blind? Still be afraid of the dark? And everybody used to stand and pray just for a little light and you don't get nothing. Because God doesn't listen to people like me. Stop talking like that. As far as I'm concerned, me and God is even and I do what I do. Please. If I want to shoot up, I shoot up. Well, then go ahead then. But you walk out that door and I'm gonna do something I should have done a long time ago, Ray. I'm gonna take my boys and I'm gonna leave. Yes, I am. You have no place to go. No place. No. You think I'm scared of losing this? Ray, the only thing I was ever scared of losing was you.

So where was I ever gonna find another Ray Robinson? So I'll put up with some terrible stuff and maybe that makes me part to blame, but I ain't scared no more. No, I love you. I love you and those boys more than anything in this world. No, that's a lie and you know it. You ever look at this, really look at it, Ray. Ray Charles Jr.'s most valuable player. He was so proud this day. Until you came home too loaded to go to his banquet. No, no, there is something that you love more than me and them boys. More than all the women you ever slept with on the road. More than all the dope you ever took. Your music. If you don't stop using that needle, they gonna take away your music and put you in jail. Is that poison wet losing everything? That's a picture there of a Chinese wall. Someone with an impressive resume who has one breach and everything else could be threatened, is threatened by that lack of self-control. And just an intense example of a reality that can exist in all of our lives.

So that's the problem of self-control, right? It's a real issue. Self-control really matters. But Proverbs doesn't just say, "Be self-controlled." It also gives you hope. It talks about the practice of self-control. How do I change? How do you leave here today having made progress? Now I want to give you five principles from Proverbs as a foundation, but I want to emphasize that you can find out a lot more at our 12-step recovery groups here on Monday and Thursday nights. And that's important because these five steps are all true, but they really become effective when they're done in community, right? When you do them with other people. So jot these down.

Number one, here's the foundation, take honest self-inventory. I take honest self-inventory. I do a personal evaluation. I ask myself questions like, "Honestly, what are my weaknesses? What are my longings? What are my temptations? How long have I had this problem?" And here's why this is important. Let's read this next verse, Proverbs 14:8, out loud together. Ready? Here we go. "The prudent understand where they are going, but fools deceive themselves." I want you to circle the phrase, "Where they're going." Not just like where they are now. You need to be honest about what direction your choices are taking you. It says, "Fools deceive themselves." These days we call that denial. But to change, I've got to stop pretending. I've got to come face to face with my faults, and if my faults aren't taken care of, what direction, kind of like, what dots are in my future? And the dots that are going to get connected, am I going on a dead end or in an endless loop, or am I actually getting somewhere? What is my direction? And this needs to be continually. Healthy people are always evaluating themselves.

And then number two, you refuse to blame. Refuse to blame. I've got to admit, it's my problem. Look at Proverbs 19:3, "Some people ruin themselves by their own stupid actions, and they blame the Lord." Circle the word blame there. Who are you blaming for your problems? Your parents? Your husband or wife? Your kids? Your boss? The devil made me do it? Or like in this verse, is it God? It's God's fault. I've got to assume, and you've got to assume responsibility for our own lives. In order to break a habit, in order to make progress, you've got to quit excusing and accusing. Those are the first two points. In order to make progress, I got to quit excusing and quit accusing.

Then and only then can you get to step three, believe God can help you. In fact, He's here waiting to help. He brought you here because He wants to help. You know you can't change on your own power anyway, you've proved that by now, and so go to the source of all power. Don't turn your notes over yet. I want you to look at the verse down there at the bottom of page one, Proverbs 29:25, great verse, fear of man is a dangerous trap, but the one who trusts in the Lord is safe. Man, this is a good verse to memorize because it's good at so many levels, but I want you to look at something, fear of man. Listen, that includes fear of yourself, fear of your own tendencies, fear that you'll never change, fear that it's too late for you, fear that God hates you now because of value of fact that in what you've done, fear that nothing will ever be different in your life.

Some of you feel like, "René, I relate to this message, but in a bad way it is making me feel more down and more guilty because I'm the person who lacks self-control you're talking about. I'm the guy with the broken doll wall. I'm the woman with the broken down walls, and I'm sitting here going, 'I have lacked self-control and ruined my life.' Well, maybe you have, but don't ever fear that it's too late for you. Don't ever fear that God is done with you. Don't ever fear that there is no hope for you because the whole point of the Bible is that there's always hope, that it's never too late for a second chance, that you're here today because God wants to give you a second chance. Fear of man, including yourself and your tendencies, is a dangerous trap, but the one who trusts in the Lord is safe.

You say, "I can't trust myself." Good, don't trust yourself, but trust in the Lord. You go, "He can save me. I believe it. I don't understand it, but I believe it, and I'm going to turn the management of my whole life over to him and say, 'God, you have got to take over,' and then what do you do?" Now listen, number four, which is on the top of page two, I want to tell you this, and you write it down, then I want to explain it because it can sound all religious and mystical at first. Number four is you remember who God is. You remember who God is. Now let me explain this a little bit. There's an awesome verse that we saw last weekend, Proverbs 18:10–11. "The name of the Lord is a fortified tower, the righteous run to it and are safe." Would you read that first phrase out loud with me because I don't want you to forget this. Let me hear you. "The name of the Lord is a fortified tower, the righteous run to it and are safe." Now the wealth of the rich is their fortified city. They imagine it a wall too high to scale. We looked at this last weekend. They're not putting their confidence in the right thing, but the name of the Lord is, what does it say? It's what? It's a fortified tower.

Now what is that talking about? In the ancient world, if there was an attack on your city, everybody who was out there on the farms and stuff in the valley would run inside the walls of the city so that they could be safe. But what if the wall was breached like we've been talking about? Well then they would run further in to the fortified tower, kind of like this medieval tower. It was called a castle keep. And for thousands of years, walled cities had these fortified towers in the middle of them. So if the walls got breached, you could run to your final place of security, the fortified tower where you could outlast the siege and plot your strategy against the enemy. The fortified tower. This is saying the name of the Lord is the only real fortified tower.

So when you have failed, when those walls are breached, when you feel that you're under attack, when you feel stupid because you've made a bad mistake and there's a hole punched in your wall, you run into the name of the Lord because that's your fortified tower. Now what does that mean? Here's what I think it means. The Bible talks a lot about the name of the Lord. There's all sorts of names of God in the Bible that mean things like God the provider and God the Savior and the God who was there and I am that I am. It talks a lot about knowing the name of the Lord. But this is the only time, this is the only time it says to run into it. So what does it mean? Well the phrase the name of the Lord means not just his name but his nature. Don't miss this. In Hebrew culture, in Bible culture, your name wasn't just what people called you, Renish Lepfer, you know. It was actually summarizing your nature and that's why when people are converted in the Bible, they change their names. The name of the Lord is who he is. It's what he is like. It means the true nature of God.

So listen, to run into the name of the Lord means to forcefully remind yourself about who God is, to intentionally remind yourself in times that you fail about God's attributes, to strategically remind yourself when you've messed up and your walls are broken down again, that God is a God of love, that God's a God of grace, that God's a God of compassion, that God is a God who is in control. Now how can this help you when it comes to self-control? Well for example, your walls are broken down. You've messed up but you run, you run into the name of the Lord like a fortified tower and that means you go, "But God, you're the God of infinite power." And that means that in my life there are still infinite possibilities. I'm not cornered. God thank you. It means you remind yourself, "But God, you're the creator of the universe." And that means in my life you can create something out of nothing. That means you remind yourself, "God, you're the God of unconditional love." And that means you love me just as much at my lowest point when I was messing up so bad and I cursed your name and I never thought I'd repent or say I'm sorry to you. And you love me with as intense a passion then as you love me on my best days. God that is amazing. I just want to shower in your love.

When your walls are broken down you run into the nature of God as your fortified tower, as the place you go for strength. Now why is this important when it comes to self-control? This is another amazing quote from Neil Plantinga. He says, "What drives addiction is longing, not just of brains, belly, or loins, but longing of the heart humans long for fulfillment and for the final good that believers call God. And when you realize how good God is, that's when you want to run to Him for all those longings you thought were getting fulfilled in all of your various addictions and habits." And that gets us to point five. When you need self-control you focus on something better. You focus on something better because whatever gets your attention gets you.

And the key strategic and tactical error that most people who want to be good godly people make is they focus on their sin too much. They focus on their sin at all. Do not drink, do not drink, do not drink, do not swear, do not swear, do not swear, whatever. You're just telling yourself not to do something and whatever gets your attention gets you and so you fall into the very thing you don't want to do because you're thinking about it all the time. But look at what Proverbs 4:23 says, "Be careful how you think. Your life is shaped by your thoughts." The Bible says the spiritual battle for sin is fought in the mind. So what do I focus on? Well anything positive is good. Anything excellent or praiseworthy or beautiful or pure, the sunrise, the sunset, the ocean waves, the baby's laugh, that's all good. But the most positive possible thing you can focus on is this, the grace of God.

And this is the real key that gets forgotten. And I want to show you three of my favorite verses that when I was a pastor in Tahoe just hit me between the eyes like a baseball bat and I realized I'd been doing this whole Christian life thing completely backwards. I've been focusing on all the stuff I wasn't supposed to do instead of what these verses talk about. Look at Titus 2:11, "For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say no to ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled upright and godly lives." Now the grace of God, we talk about that a lot here, the idea that God lavishes his love on you and saves you and restores you and sanctifies you not because you are so well behaved but because he's just a gracious God. And just before you did anything right or wrong or breathe one breath he just lavished his grace on you. When I really get this, this verse says that teaches me to say no to ungodliness. It's not the Ten Commandments that teaches me to say no, it's the grace of God that teaches me to say no because I love what God did so much that out of adoration of God I start to change from the inside out.

You say, "Well okay that's one verse." This is all throughout. This is the whole point of the gospel. Look at another one of my favorite passages about this, Colossians 2:20. Some Christians, I mean I wonder if they've ever read this verse because we're living the opposite of this. It says, "Why as though you still belong to the world do you submit to its rules? Do not handle, do not taste, do not touch. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence." Now I want you to do something if you've got a pencil or a pen. Circle the word "rules" and circle all the times it says, "Do not, do not, do not, do not." This is how most people think the Bible teaches us to have self-control, right? I was in, I think it was San Jose downtown and one of the one of those street preachers who holds up a sign that talks about all the people that God hates handed me a brochure. I've since then seen other copies of the brochure and on the cover of it, it said in big headline letters, "God says no." That's a great hook, isn't it? God says no, read all about it. And then when you opened up the bulletin, there were 33 bullet points and each one of them started out with the phrase, "God says no." And then it had different things that God says no about and it was all things that you might not know that God says no about. It started with maybe some of the more obvious ones that you hear these people talking about. One of them said, "God says no to long hair on men." Another one said, "God says no to colored fingernail polish for women." And then it got strange after that. One of the bullet points and I kid you not was God says no to gospel puppet ministry. Because we all know that that's in scripture. We've just, that was in the Levitical law, it no longer applies. Where did they get that? I don't know. Another one said, "God says no to joining a labor union." And it went on and on and on, right? But that idea, God says no, that's how a lot of people perceive Christians, right? That Christians are the ones who, when you're having fun at the party, they're the ones who tap you on the shoulder, "Excuse me, God says no, no." Well, yeah, but no, no, right? But what does the Apostle Paul say here in this verse? He says, "Such rules lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence." Now, of course, rules have value. We need traffic rules. Kids need rules when they grow up, you know, curfew rules or whatever. Rules have value, but they lack value in actually restraining sensual indulgence. They lack value in actually being the key to self-control. Why? Because they focus your attention on the very thing you are trying to avoid. And so what's the answer? These are the last verses in Colossians 2. The very next verses are the first verses in Colossians 3. Here's the solution. "Set your hearts on things above." Where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Set your hearts on things above. Set your minds on things above. Focus on the Savior, not the sin.

You see, it's when you fall in love with Jesus that you truly change. That's why Hebrews 12:2 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him, he endured the cross." Have you ever thought that he's a great example of how to have self-control? Because think of what happened to him on the cross. I mean, the Bible says he was mocked and spit upon it and beaten. Fix your eyes on Jesus on that cross, having ultimate self-control. He could have called the angels down to attack his attackers. He could have smoked them with lightning. He could have mocked back when they hurled their insults at him. But he was the example of perfect self-control. What was the key? How did he endure? This verse says he endured it for the joy set before him. And what was the joy set before Jesus? What could that possibly mean? What did Jesus have after the cross that he didn't have before the cross? Us.

"For the joy of a love relationship with you, unhindered by unforgiven sin, he paid the penalty for your debt on the cross so that he could, he could love you and you could love him back and we could exist in this perfect holy relationship. For that joy, for that relationship he endured." And you see, for that relationship you can endure. For that love, for that joy, you too can learn godly self-control when the grace of God teaches you to say no. It's not somebody scolding you, it's the joy set before you, it's the love set before you by Jesus Christ. I would encourage you, we're going to close with communion this morning, and I would just encourage you to do this. Never underestimate the transformative effect of just thinking about Jesus.

Take 10 minutes right now to just think about Jesus. Because maybe your life is in chaos right now and frankly it's because you have broken down your own walls and all you find yourself doing is looking at those crumbling walls and getting depressed. Well focus on someone else besides yourself. Focus on Jesus and his love for you and you will find that the things of earth grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and his grace. Let's prepare our hearts for communion. Would you pray with me? With our heads bowed right now, would you in your own heart just pray to God and say, "God, I want to take those steps here to prepare my heart. First, I want to take that self-inventory. Help me to be honest with you right now in these next few moments about what my weaknesses are, where I've sinned, about where I'm going, and help me refuse to blame it or excuse it." Just confess it.

And help me not to be afraid and hopeless but to just believe that you can help me. And help me to remember who you are, your nature, what you are. Help me to run to your grace and power and sovereignty as a fortified tower. And God in these moments help us all to refocus on Jesus together. We're all in this together, this room filled with a thousand people with weaknesses who all are looking to you as one. Help our walls of self-control to be built back up by our adoration of you and what you did for us on the cross. In your name we pray. Amen.