Words

One another is our series in January about relationships. My name is Rene, one of the pastors here. So Atlantic magazine had a fascinating article the other day, they headline, National Tantrum in a National Park. And the article was so riveting because it was all about how tourists in these places of world-class beauty are just losing it over the smallest little things. The manager at a cafe in Yellowstone said she's never seen it like this. She said, "Everyone is on edge and will snap at you for literally nothing." Like you're on the deck with a view of Lake McDonald and you're screaming at your 19-year-old server about your French fries not being crispy enough. You're in a gorgeous place. Why are you complaining about stupid stuff? And I read that and I thought, well, the fries did cost 20 bucks. But that's not important right now.

The author's point is that this is a microcosm of something that is going on everywhere right now. Have you observed it? She says, "Our country is frayed and frazzled, cynical and suspicious, raring for a fight. Even our so-called best idea, our breathtaking national parks can't save us from ourselves." So welcome to our January series on relationships one another. I would say we are in a national moment where we need to fine-tune our relationship skills. And to be clear, this is not just a marriage series or just a parenting series because a lot of us here are single. A lot of us here don't have kids or grandkids.

Whoever you are, though, you have a one another. Your mom, dad, sister, brother, spouse, kids, grandkids, foster kids, in-laws, friends, neighbors, coworkers. And all the other one anothers you come into contact with every day. Baristas, servers, flight attendants, social media friends, and on and on and on. And the problem is, as that article pointed out, all of those relationships are being threatened right now. So much is pulling us apart. People are being divided over politics, over other issues. In fact, raise your hand if over the last two or three years you have sensed any relational tension in your life. And I just see a show of hands there. How many of you felt it over the Christmas and New Year's holidays with some people in your life? How many of you felt it with the person you're sitting next to right now? No, don't raise your hand.

Well, here's the good news, there's a lot of help. One another, the phrase appears over 100 times in the New Testament. In fact, just take a peek at the inside of your notes. There's just about a third of those 101 another verses in here just to help you get a sense of the scale of this in the Bible. You know, if God says one thing, you probably ought to pay attention to it, right? But if he says something 100 times, that means he really means it. And if you're joining us on the live stream, you can download these at tlc.org/notes. But look at all of these.

One of the things that this shows me is that our Christian faith, follow me here, is not just about finding inner peace for yourself. And this is one thing that I think people really misunderstand about spirituality. People say, "Well, I don't need church, I can worship God alone in the forest." Of course you can, and I hope you do, but you cannot do this with the trees. Our Christian faith isn't just about finding inner peace, it's about living in peace with one another. And if one anothering is not a part of your faith, then it's not the Christian faith, 'cause you're excising 100 verses from the Bible.

Now, you look at these, wow, that's kind of overwhelming. That's why the very first one that I have on that page is our key verse for this series, John 13:34–35. In fact, let's read this verse out loud together. Ready? Here we go. A new command I give you, love one another. As I have loved you, you must love one another. By this, all will know you are my disciples if you love one another. So Jesus is saying this, and he says it three times. I think he's trying to get a point across, but why the repetition? Well, what was the occasion for this? Who were the first people to hear him say this? This was, remember, at the Last Supper. It was just his 12 original disciples there.

And among them, you have Matthew, who is a Roman collaborator, and Simon, who is an anti-Roman zealot. And you have everybody in between, kind of left wing and right wing. And I love this. Because there are forces right now trying to get you, whether in those days you would have identified with Matthew or Simon, trying to get you to literally hate anybody who disagrees with you politically or about anything else. But you understand Jesus handpicked these two characters to be part of his intimate group to prove something. To prove what? Well, as he says, by this, all will know you're my disciples if you what? Love one another.

He's saying, this is what we are supposed to be famous for. This is supposed to be our reputation in the community. That's like what people long for these days. Man, I wish we could get over these bridges between us and all learn to get along. We're supposed to be the oasis that's the example of people loving one another well. And so let's do this. People, you know, they pray for revival and they pray that our faith might be more influential in our culture. Jesus says, you want our faith to be more influential? Then do this. That's the strategy.

So let's do it. Quick overview in this series, we're gonna be looking at three one another themes in the Bible today. Words, next weekend honor and then anger. And then a fourth week, we're gonna do something different. We're going to have a panel of relationship experts answering your questions right here in church. So email your questions to me, renee@tlc.org. We're gonna keep your identity anonymous. And so you can ask whatever you'd like. Plus Wednesday nights starting January 18th, relationship seminars. Plus every single day we have our daily video devos with a different one another verse. Every single day you can get those texted to you every morning for free at seven. Sign up at tlc.org/devo.

This whole idea is so important that I really wanna dedicate this series to the Lord right now. So would you just join me in a serious word of prayer? Let's bow our heads together. Lord, we all live in what can often feel like a hate-filled polarized world. Where we're learning from all kinds of bad examples. And so help us to be different by the power of your Holy Spirit. Amen. Amen. All right, let's talk about words this weekend. We use a lot of them. I just looked this up in 2022. We sent out more than 3 million emails per second. We posted 730 million comments per minute and sent 19 billion texts a day. It's safe to say we are using words more than ever yet thinking about them less than ever.

Would you agree with that? 'Cause it's so easy, it's so instant. You've got autocorrect. Although this can get us into trouble sometimes. And sometimes it's funny. There's a website where people can upload their worst autocorrect fails in their text messages. And they actually just take screenshots. And it's pretty funny. Like here's just some examples. Somebody writes, "I had tricks for breakfast. It was so seductive." Seductive, delicate, delicious, stupid autococcus, autocucumber, oh, nevermind. "I had tricks this morning and it was Amazon." It was amazing. Or this one, "Hi Mark, grandma's in heaven now." She died? When, what happened? Are you okay? Yes, I'm fine. She's in heaven. I understand that, but what happened? When? Sorry, grandma's in hair max hair salon. Sorry, not dead.

I like this one. "We've already gotten like three inches of rain so far." Yeah, it's bad here too. "My backyard is flooded and there's a family of clowns seeking shelter in my shed." "Oh well, at least they can juggle and entertain you 'til the storm passes." I think he meant crows. And then finally, Effy Ababia figured how to turn up, autocotocorrect, what? I fougaried utra how to turn off autocorrect. Are you trying to say you figured out how to turn off autocorrect? Yeah, I'm thinking you should probably turn it back on. As somebody once said, "Words is hard." How many of you would agree with that? They're just tough.

So that's why one of the main topics of the Bible's one another verses is words. Just a sample. Therefore encourage one another with these words. Therefore encourage one another. And build one another up. Try to build one another up. And look at Ephesians 4:29. "Do not let any unwholesome talk." Now the Greek word for unwholesome doesn't just mean like swear words. It means literally rotten, decaying, putrid, poison. A modern English translation might be toxic talk. Do not let any toxic talk, what? Come out of your mouths. And I love that image 'cause it implies, those words are down there. Just don't let them out, right? You just say to them, I can see you in there. I know you're there. That brilliant sarcastic remark, but I'm not gonna let it pass my lips.

But only, here's what you do let out, what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Here's what all these verses are talking about. The Harvard Business Review a while back did a review of several previous studies about words and how they work. And they found out that the positive to critical comment ratio is absolutely crucial. For example, in effective marriages, a researcher named John Gottman famously did studies on successful marriages. He found if there's a ratio of five positive comments to one critical comment, the marriage will last and will thrive. He says, if you're more critical than this, it starts just a cascade of problems.

So based on his research, other research did studies on, for example, the most effective workplaces have a ratio of 5.67 positive to one critical remarks. Then others did research on parenting, the most effective parenting style five positive to one critical. So you do need the one, you do need to set boundaries, you do need to correct and so on. But five to one seems to be the golden ratio. We human beings seem to thrive in that word environment. It seems as if we are fine-tuned for this. So this week I thought, well, I gotta go through all the one another verses in the Bible and take all the positive ones like encourage and build one another up. And then the ones that are about correction, like rebuke and admonish. And the ratio is 5.57 positive to one critical. Isn't that interesting?

So modern research is really confirming the ratio right there in scripture, five to one. So you might wonder what is the average ratio today? What do you think it is? One to one, 1.75 to one. So in most classrooms and families and workplaces online, the ratio right now is about one positive to three negative. I mean, think of what you see when you look at comments, when you look at next door or something like that, this is about jibes, doesn't it? And here's the problem. In many ways, this ratio has been normalized. And this is very serious because this ratio is destroying us as a nation, as friends, neighbors, even many churches.

So as followers of Jesus, we need to forge a different path that is more five to one or higher. In fact, if you forget everything else that I say today, don't forget this idea, change the ratio. Go for five to one. That's one simple key to improving every single one another relationship in your life. In fact, say this out loud with me, change the ratio. Change the ratio. Now to make sure this is not just theoretical for you, I want you right now to think of somebody you'd like to build up. Write down a name there in your notes, a spouse, a child, a grandchild, coworker, friend. You're saying I'm gonna change my ratio this week, like starting today.

Okay, so how do you do that? When I was putting this together, I thought, okay, so the Bible keeps telling us, encourage, encourage, encourage, encourage, build one another up. Yes, but how? In real life, how is this practical? Well, there's one book in the Bible that's like a guidebook on how to do this, how to build one another up, and it's the book of Proverbs. There are over 120 verses on words in the book of Proverbs. In fact, the book of Proverbs is about a lot of subjects, but there is no subject about which it teaches more than the subject of words, except for the subject of wisdom itself. It's like a guidebook on how to use words.

And if you look at all of these 120 verses, I think they fit into three general categories that are very easy to remember. In other words, the New Testament tells us to build one another up, Proverbs tells us how to build one another up. Jot these down. Number one, use gentle rather than harsh words. Even if you're correcting, use gentle rather than harsh words, like Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Okay, so how do you know if you're being gentle? Well, here is the test. Your language has to be motivated not to put another person in their place, not to prove they're wrong, not to destroy them. The motivation has to be nothing but love for them. Be gentle in purpose and in tone.

I watched a sermon this week about encouraging one another. And the pastor's words were great, but the tone was more like this. You people should be more gentle. It just cracked me up while I was watching this. But I thought we all can do this so easily. I used to do it when the kids were late for church on Sunday mornings. Kids, get in the car, write this, and start so we can go to church and worship Jesus Christ. Right? You gotta be gentle in tone. Now, maybe right away you're looking at this going, I wanna be some mealy-mouthed, gentle, ultra-empathetic, oozing, appeaser. I wanna get stuff done. I'm gonna stand up for what's right. Well, look at this. Through patience, a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone. It's saying there's nothing more persuasive in the long run than gentleness.

The put-down, the sarcasm, the slam, you might win applause from people already agreeing with you, right? You might get a lot of likes from the people already in your tribe, but you've lost the battle for actual persuasion because you've lost respect. Now, it is true that gentleness can be common excuse to try to avoid truth-telling, but Proverbs says, second, use true rather than false words. True rather than false. Proverbs 15:4 says, "Gentle words are a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the Spirit." Now you say, deceitful? I'm not deceitful. Well, deceitful means more than just lying. Being truthful doesn't just mean not lying. It means to be candid, to be honest, to be frank, to be open, like Proverbs 28:23 says, "In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery."

Now, why are we not more frank? Basically, most of us, we're cowards. Most of us would rather do anything we can to avoid conflict. And so in a relationship, many times you'll not be honest with a person because you'd just rather keep the peace than make waves, and I totally get that. That's why the key phrase here is in the end. You'll go through conflict at first, but listen, there is no intimacy without honesty. But there's no honesty without conflict. There's no intimacy without honesty, but there's no honesty without at least a little potential conflict. So be truthful and gentle, but don't use the truth as a club because that destroys relationships too.

Ever hear somebody justify their insensitivity by calling it candor? Well, I just say what I speak. Well, I just speak my mind. That's just who I am. The Bible says that person is actually a fool because point three, it says, use careful rather than careless words. Careful rather than careless. And this is my favorite point of all. Look at this verse. I love this. A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Now what's that talking about? It's talking about jewelry. What did jewelry look like back in those days, 3000 years ago when this book of Proverbs was written? Well, Israeli archeologists have unearthed some hidden caches of jewelry. From back then, there was just recently a discovery in the city, the ruins of Megiddo, where they found 3000 year old jewelry that somebody had hidden there back in the day.

And here's some of what they found there. These are some beautiful rings. Here is an earring. This is a single woman's earring that was found there. It's only about this big. This is a closeup, of course. But look at that. It's just beautiful still 3000 years later. They were fine craftsmen. And that's exactly the picture in this verse. It's saying just like some people are jewel smiths, gold smiths, silver smiths, be a wordsmith. Be a word craftsman. Ask yourself in general, are my words crafted or blurted? In fact, say that line with me. Are my words crafted or blurted? That's a good way to analyze your speech. And by the way, as somebody who talks a lot as part of my job, this is very convicting.

So let me move on. Here's another good one. Proverbs 10:32, the lips of the righteous know what is fitting. That word fitting, it's hard to translate exactly into English. Some other translators render it acceptable or appropriate. I love that because the lips of the righteous, it doesn't say they know what is incisive, funny and brilliant. Because you can be an incisive, funny and brilliant jerk. The lips of the righteous know what's fitting, what's acceptable, what's appropriate. There's a new translation of the Septuagint, which was the ancient Greek translation of the Hebrew Bible. It's fascinating for a lot of reasons, but it translates this verse this way. The lips of the righteous drop grace. Don't you love that?

So how can my words be crafted? What is this all about? As I mentioned in my Friday video, Devo Walt Disney used to do what they called sweat box sessions, where he would get together with his animators and they would look over film of what they call daily rushes, the work that they'd done the day before, and they would critique it. And he would just say, all right, you know, what's wrong here? What can we change to make it better? But he realized that when he asked that question, he wasn't getting a lot of feedback because people were a little bit hesitant about criticizing, you know, their friends' work. And so he changed the way he asked the question to this, how can we plus this? His whole idea was about plussing, like this is great. How can we make it even better? And suddenly he started getting great feedback.

That's a great example of a word aptly spoken, of apples of gold and settings of silver, because that word works. It accomplishes something. So how can you apply this in your relationships? Well, instead of saying things like, you know what, there's one thing you do that really drives me crazy. That's the way it usually comes out. How about phrasing it like a question? What is one thing that we can do to improve our relationship? That's gonna get you somewhere. Because one thing makes it seem doable and improve, who doesn't wanna improve stuff, right? We can do makes it a partnership. So you're kind of getting to the same sort of thing, but it's a word that's, it's finely crafted and it's actually going to be effective.

So look back at these three points. You can look at these three points and they can be, I admit, a little bit overwhelming at times. It's tough to do. You know, the apostle James actually wrote, "No human being has ever been successful in completely taming his or her tongue." He said, "Human beings have tamed all kinds of wild animals." And you think about it, he's right. We've tamed sea creatures. We've tamed massive ultra predators. But he says, "No one has ever tamed his or her tongue completely." So we talked about this for half an hour, but is it pointless? Is it hopeless? Is there any hope for you or your marriage or your relationships or our country? No, let's close on a word of prayer. No, of course there is hope.

But the hope is not just looking at commands like this in scripture and going, "Okay, Renee, I'm gonna try my hardest to do this better." You gotta start deeper than that, deeper than willpower. What am I talking about? Well, there's a clue in this proverb, Proverbs 16:23. "A man's heart guides his mouth." Jesus picked up on this when he said, "It's out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Everything we've been talking about, it's important to notice these things, but really they're symptoms. The problem with our tongue goes deeper than this. Word problems are really heart problems. All word problems are really heart problems.

You say, "What are you talking about?" Let me just give you one example from my own life. I've noticed that sometimes I exaggerate. And I'm not just talking about, you know, maybe telling a story to make it funny or something. I do exaggerate sometimes when I'm telling things to people like, you know, let's say that there's been a traffic jam that made a 10-minute trip into a 20-minute trip. If my wife asked me, you know, "How was the commute to work today?" I might say, "It took me half an hour to get there." Why do I say that? Or most Mondays, my wife goes up to Redwood City where our daughter and her husband live, and she babysits their little two-year-old son, our grandson, Emmett. So she's gone all day Monday, and Monday happens to be trash day at our house.

So while Lori's gone on Mondays, I do those chores. I take out the trash, recycling food scraps, green waste, clean the cat litter, and so on. Great. But I have noticed that when I'm talking to Lori on the phone on Mondays, she usually says, "Well, how was your day today?" I almost always make my tasks seem more monumental and worthy of her awe. Almost always. I say something along the lines of, "Well, man, today the piles of recycling and trash were truly daunting." It took me great skill to fit them all into the trash cans. The cat litter was particularly putrid this week, yet I am rising to this challenge. A lesser man may have curled up into a fetal position and given up, but not me. I just inflate how difficult it was. What is that all about? Well, if it is true that it's out of the overflow of the heart that the mouth speaks, what's all of that a sign of? Well, really it's a sign of insecurity, right?

So what's the heart answer? Well, I need to be reminded daily that I'm totally secure in God's love for me. I need to be reminded daily that the gospel reminds me that God loved me so much and loved you so much that he gave his one and only son to atone for our sins so that we could live with him securely forever. I need to remember that I already have God's love perfectly, infinitely, unconditionally, plus I have all of that from my wife too. So I need to preach the gospel to myself daily. And what will happen if I do that is my speech will change because my heart is changed. Are you following me?

In fact, look at this list. I was thinking, this is how Jesus talks in the Bible, isn't it? But it's more than just Jesus was a great wordsmith, which he was, but Jesus is not just a great wordsmith. Jesus is the word. And when we let him into our lives, when we place our trust in him, what happens is we begin to hear softly at first and then more and more clearly his word to us, I have called you friends. I lay down my life for you. I love you. I will be with you always to the very end of the age. And the more we internalize that, the more that captures our imagination, the more we are changed, including our words.

And all the things we've been talking about, they're really symptoms of the fact that I need to be not trying harder, but I need to be preaching the gospel to myself. Those things that we just talked about, they're temperature gauges, they're barometers for how closely we are abiding with Jesus and in his grace. That's the key. Remember the article that I started with, the author concluded it by saying, even our so-called best idea, our breathtaking national parks cannot save us from ourselves. No, but Jesus can. So let's go to him in prayer right now.

Heavenly Father, fill our hearts with your grace so we can be instruments of grace in the world with our language. If we're honest, we've all gotten ourselves into a lot of trouble in our lives by the things we've said or said to ourselves. And we've proved that we're not able to overcome this in our own willpower. We need our hearts changed. And so God, I pray that in this time of worship that you, Father, would change us because we're not thinking of ourselves and our wounds and our hurts, but thinking of you. May our hearts be reoriented and changed by hearing your words of healing grace. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.