Start Managing My Mouth

Well, good morning everybody. It is great to see you here today. Happy New Year. This is my first chance to wish you a Happy New Year. How many of you stayed up past midnight on New Year's Eve? 1045. There's a lot of you. I would expect that. You're the sleep-in people a little bit. So that makes sense. Very good. I was, I was in bed. I don't know. It was embarrassingly early. I'm not even going to talk about it, but it was early. I am so glad you're with us today.

If you were with us last week, we kicked off our series for the new year called Start. Biblical wisdom from the book of Proverbs. What are the things that we can start doing this year to build into our lives? And honestly, I picked this topic that I'm going to talk about today because it's something I needed to hear myself talk about three times. It's something I needed to study for myself. And today we're going to talk about managing my mouth.

Yes, you apparently all know my sister already because she knows that I have struggled with this my whole life. This is something I need reminders in again and again and again. This was something that God needed me to study this week because here's the thing. Words are powerful. Words are so powerful. I am sure every one of us in this room has been on the giving and receiving end of both wise and unwise words.

I remember when I was about 12 years old, I was singing. Did anyone else's mom and dad make them do command performances at various times in life? I was in one of these command performances and I was singing and someone was playing the guitar. And when I was done, I heard that person say to my mom, her voice doesn't sound the same anymore. And I think in hindsight, she probably just meant I don't sound like a little girl anymore. But I heard it as Valerie can't sing. And my whole life I thought Valerie can't sing. Valerie can't sing. I love to sing, but Valerie can't sing.

I had a second grade teacher in comparison and I for some reason I can't remember her name, but I remember that she drove a Plymouth Duster, a green Plymouth Duster. I don't know why I remember that, but I do. And that teacher pulled me aside one day and she asked me to help another group of students because, and she told me, she said, Valerie, you're a leader. You're a leader, Valerie. And those two conversations, part of many in my life, but those two conversations have basically framed part of my life for me.

And I see myself literally to this day as a leader who cannot sing. I still see that because words are powerful. How many of you right now, if I called on you, could quote to me some words that just haunt you that somebody said to you or words that have built into you and changed your life because they encourage you? We all know that words have power and knowing how to manage our mouths is the fast track to building good relationships.

And the Book of Proverbs has a ton to say about our mouth. Let me tell you, if you Google search mouth, lips, words, word for the Book of Proverbs, you're going to be reading for a little while. So basically what I want to do today is almost tour guide you through the Book of Proverbs and select some of the passages to read. I want to let the Word of God just be with you and do its work because it will do its work in every single one of us.

And I want to walk through some warnings that Proverbs gives us. I want to walk through some blessings that we see there. And I want to walk through some instructions. So go ahead, pull out your Bibles, pull out your message notes. We're in, again, the Book of Proverbs. If you're not sure where it is, it's about in the middle of your Bible after Psalms. Or if you have your Bible app, you can just pull it up on there. But we're going to be reading a lot of verses today, but I want to start first with a word of prayer.

Father God, I pray today that you would soften our hearts. I pray that we would hear your voice speaking to us. I pray that your word would come alive in each one of us today and that we would be willing to take it in, that we would be willing to learn and to grow as we study today. In Jesus' name, amen.

All right, I'm going to start at the deep end of the pool with the warnings, because let's just get those out of the way right out of the gate, shall we? Let's start with the warnings. And the first warning that I want to highlight from the Book of Proverbs is the warning against speaking too many words. Too many words. Proverbs 10:8 says, "The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool," isn't that a great word picture? "A chattering fool comes to ruin." My favorite verse actually on this warning, and one that I use frequently with myself, is Proverbs 10:19, "When words are many, sin is not absent. The prudent hold their tongues." More talking equals more opportunities to sin.

And there are more times than I want to talk about that I realize in a conversation, "Huh, I don't think I've heard anyone else's voice for like 10 minutes, just my own." I fall into this temptation. My mom used to tell me the story that when I was a little girl about four or five, I was following her around the house asking questions, commenting on life, pointing things out, doing what four or five-year-old kids will do, and my mom reached the point that every parent reaches at some point in time where even my sweet little voice became more than she could bear.

And she looked at me and she said, "Valerie, could you just be quiet for 30 seconds? Just 30 seconds." At which point in time, I started counting to 30 out loud. I fall into this temptation. I am tempted to fill all the space around me with words. But more words equals more opportunities to sin, and Proverbs warns us against that.

The second warning that we see in the book of Proverbs is the warning against gossip, talking about others. And here's something that we sometimes forget. Even if it's true, it can still be gossip. It can still be gossip, and Proverbs says, "Don't do it. Don't get caught up in it." Proverbs 16:28 says, "A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends." Proverbs 20:19 says, "A gossip betrays a confidence, so avoid anyone who talks too much." Well, there's at least one person you may not want to hang out with, and honestly, probably a lot of pastors fall into this talk-too-much thing.

Isn't it interesting that for that first verse, they put a perverse person and a gossip in the same verse? This is not pulling any punches here. Gossip separates friends. Gossip hurts relationships. Don't be a gossip, and don't hang out with a gossip. Here's the truth about life. If you hang out with somebody who talks to you about others, I can promise you that as sure as the sun rises, when you are not there, they are talking about you to others. Be careful with what people tell you. If somebody has trusted you with part of their story, hold it carefully. Don't delight in knowing things and look for the first opportunity to say it. Don't gossip. Proverbs warns us against this.

And the third thing it warns us against—there's a long list here, folks, of warnings. Just hang on. The third thing we get warned against are lies and flattery. Lies and flattery—those often go together in the book of Proverbs. There are a ton of verses in the book of Proverbs about lies and flattery, but just two of them here. Proverbs 12:19, truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment. And Proverbs 26:28 says, "A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin." When you lie, it's just not a simple little lie. A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and flattery brings ruin.

Okay, we all lie. We all flatter. I'm not even going to ask you to raise your hand if you've ever told a lie, because some of you will lie and not raise your hand, because we all lie. We all flatter, but when we lie, that first verse has this great phrase that when we lie, we become people of only a moment. In a moment, we might get ourselves out of a situation. In a moment, we might not get in trouble. In a moment, we might avoid an argument, but it's only a moment. Truthful lips endure, but people who lie are only people of a moment. We're not thinking long-term, thinking long relationships.

And flattery, which is really just nice lying, ends up being used to manipulate people. We want to control what other people think about us, so we say things that we think they want to hear. We want to manage situations, so we flatter people to manage them. In a nice way, we think. But again, Proverbs says, "Don't do it. You will ultimately be harming your relationships." And the next warning, which hits a little close to home in our current day and age, is we're warned about speaking perverse or crude words. Perverse or crude words. Proverbs 4:24 says, "Keep your mouth free of perversity. Keep corrupt talk far from your lips." Proverbs 15:4 says, "The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit."

My parents were hyper-concerned about this situation, which is not bad for a parent to be concerned that their child doesn't end up speaking crudely or perversely. But my dad, from his background, kind of took it to another level, which led to some interesting stories. My dad was actually a drill instructor in the Marine Corps. Can you tell me in the Marines, any Marines around here? Okay, let me just tell you something about drill instructors. They have, shall we say, a wide-ranging vocabulary. They use this vocabulary to motivate the new recruits that come their way.

Now, my dad had - he was good. He was a good DI. He had this wide-ranging vocabulary. When he became a Christian, he really endeavored to manage his mouth. He really endeavored to not use all the words that he had come to use frequently in the Marines. That led to some interesting things. One of the words on the list that we could not use was actually the phrase, "Shut up." How many of you were raised saying, "Can't say, 'Shut up.'" No, no can do. Okay, so I'm not alone there. But my dad wanted to give us a biblical alternative that we could use when we wanted to say, "Shut up."

So when I was growing up for a period of time through a very odd period of things of circumstances, we ended up taking in 12 foster care teenagers at one time, which I don't recommend. They don't do that anymore, and it might be because of my family. So we ended up with 12 teenagers, all from very rough backgrounds, rough stories, and a very strict list of words that we could use and could not use, including "Shut up." But my dad said, "Okay, if you're frustrated and you want to say something like, 'Shut up,' what I will let you say is, 'Peace be still.'" Because Jesus said that in the Bible. So, "Peace be still," to this day, is our family alternative to "Shut up."

By the way, if you ever hear me use the word "Shut up" to you, just know that you have crossed about a thousand lines and the end is near. Because I will use other words. I am not pure and holy in this, but I will very rarely use that phrase. So what my childhood memories involve for a period of time are 12 teenagers running around the house, screaming at the top of their lungs, "Peace be still!" Which, not surprisingly, does not create peace in a household at all.

But when I was thinking about this, I was kind of thinking back to those memories, I thought, you know, it actually now seems kind of quaint. Because over the course of my lifetime, there has been such an incredible shift in the acceptability of perverse and crude talk and conversation. We are surrounded by it in conversation, in your schools, at work. We're surrounded by perverse, crude talk. And Proverbs tells us that no matter how cool that talk may be, no matter how okay it is deemed, it will crush your spirit, is what those verses say. It will crush not just the person who hears you say those words, it will crush you.

Because if you are hearing and internalizing this unending dialogue of crude and perverse speech, you will be changed and not for the better. Next, I see the writer of Proverbs warning us against angry words. And here's a verse that I hate to admit, but it's true, have to use with myself a lot. And that's Proverbs 29:11 that says, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but the wise bring calm in the end." I have struggled with a temper for much of my life. And in my life, my temper and words seem to go hand in hand. And when I am angry, I am brilliant. My mastery of the English language is superb when I am angry, when I am letting somebody have it.

But Proverbs tells me in that moment, I am not brilliant. I am a fool. And it doesn't give me an out. It doesn't say, "Well, Valerie, if someone did this to you, then you can give full vent to your anger." No, it just simply says, "A fool gives full vent to their anger." And I, as I have aged, and honestly the pain of giving full vent to my anger has taught me to be a little more circumspect, and I don't always blow my top in the moment. But you know where I give full vent to my anger still? When I am in my car by myself.

I am so glad that as of yet the cars don't record what they hear because my car, kind of what happens in the car, needs to stay in the car. I still give full vent to my anger. I still let all those words out, and I am still being a fool when I do that, when I don't choose to manage my relationships and manage my words in a different way. And really, a lot of these word decisions, a lot of these warnings come down to the final warning, which is the warning against prideful talk. Prideful talk. When we lie, when we try to make ourselves look better, that's really pride.

When we flatter, when we're trying to manage people's impressions of us, that's really pride. When we tear each other down with words, ultimately that's pride. And Proverbs says, "Don't do it." Proverbs 18:2 says, "Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions." Do you know this person? Maybe you spent Christmas with this person that finds absolutely no pleasure in understanding. But all of us in some way are this person sometimes. We love the sound of our voice more than the sound of someone else's voice. Or we have just written somebody off and decided, "I don't even want to know why they think that way."

We have become so prideful that we no longer value understanding. I feel like this verse is almost a summary of the conflict in our culture right now. We don't value understanding. But Proverbs says, "No." Why is people value understanding? Why is people want to hear other people talk? Why is people delight in hearing what other people say? And we need to be wise people if we want to be people of healing in our culture, in our relationships.

Okay, this is a sobering list of warnings. Good news, warnings are done. You can breathe for just a moment here, okay? The warnings are done. And the really good news is Proverbs also talks about blessings. There are a lot of blessings that also come from our words and using our words well. And you could really start the list of blessings by just reversing the pain of the warnings. You could say, "Well, a non-shattering person does not come to ruin." Truthful words endure. The wise bring calm. A soothing tongue is a tree of life.

But I think there are three things that really a lot of these blessings encompass. And the first blessing I see that comes when we manage our mouths is the blessing of influence. You actually have influence. We want influence, but a lot of time we think influence comes by just moving people out of the way. Sometimes we move them nicely. Sometimes we trip them. Sometimes we tear them down. We gossip about them. But we think we get influence by clearing the path so that we're the last one standing.

But Proverbs says, "No, here's how you get influence." Proverbs 22:11 says, "The one who loves a pure heart and speaks with grace will have the king for a friend." You want to have influence? Speak with grace. It's a blessing that comes with managing your mouth. And I wish I could tell you that tomorrow morning when you go to work, the first gracious words you utter would land you in the CEO's office and suddenly you would have all the influence in the world. But as many of the Proverbs speak to, they speak to a pattern of speech, a pattern of living, and over time, the person whose words are wise, the person who manages their mouth will have a level of trust.

You will have a level of influence that the person who's lying or flattering or conniving just frankly will not ever enjoy. So the path to influence starts with managing your mouth. And the next blessing that I see that I just love, because so many of us long for this, is that when we manage our mouths, we gain the blessing of stability. We gain the blessing of a stable and secure life. Proverbs 14:3 says, "A fool's mouth lashes out with pride, but the lips of the wise protect them." Or Proverbs 21:23 says, "Those who guard their mouths keep themselves from calamity." Your words will...you will live and die by your words ultimately.

And we don't like that, but it's true. Proverbs is speaking truth to us. When we choose wise words, one of the blessings that comes is the blessing of stability. Because you know what? When you're not lying, when you're not gossiping, when you're not conniving, you're not looking over your shoulder either. There is a stability, there is a peace. Even when you're accused, you can speak wise words and still find yourself on the receiving end of an accusation. But even when you're accused, when you're speaking wise words, when you're managing your mouth, you will feel secure. You will be stable because you will not be setting a trap for yourself with your words.

And all of these blessings, all of these warnings, all of these Proverbs, honestly, as we read them, can be summed up in this third blessing when you manage your mouth, and that is the blessing of a good reputation. Man, people who are wise with their words have a good reputation. We all know this. And people who are chattering fools, we know. We're all old enough in this room to know they don't have a good reputation. And Proverbs says, when you manage your mouth, you will have that blessing. Proverbs 10:31 says, "From the mouth of the righteous comes the fruit of wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be silenced." Your words will ultimately, your reputation, excuse me, will ultimately be a reflection of your words. Your reputation and your words go hand in hand. So manage your words.

You know, you might be listening to this going, "Okay, this is a lot of Proverbs. I warned you in the beginning it would be. This is a lot of stuff. I'm going to plan B, which is a vow of silence. I'm just not even going to talk anymore." Because Proverbs 17:28 even says that even a fool is thought wise when they keep silence. So you're thinking, "I'm just taking that route, not talking anymore." But I don't want to leave you with this sense of, "Oh, I can't say anything." Because here's the thing, words are a gift that God has given us. Words are a gift that he's given us. Words help us build relationships. Words help us help others. Words help us understand who God is and what he wants to do in our lives.

The Bible calls Jesus the Word made flesh. Words are not evil. Words are a blessing. Do you understand how much power you have with those words? So we don't want to just throw them all out the window and become people who just go off into a corner and never talk and never engage with anyone. One of my favorite verses actually in the verse of Proverbs about speech tells us to speak up. Proverbs 31:8 says, "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves." So those words have value. You can know more about God through those words. And guess what? It's really good news what God thinks of you when you read his word and the words he has to say about you.

So what, how do we do this? What are the instructions for managing our mouths that Proverbs gives us? Because we do want to do that. And again, these are all themes that just keep popping up. And so the first theme when it comes to managing your mouth, Proverbs gives us, is to speak gracious words. Use gracious words. Proverbs 12:25 says, "Anxiety weighs down the heart." But a kind word cheers it up. Proverbs 16:24 says, "Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Gracious words, kind words build into other people. Gracious words are a balm on fractured relationships.

And I want to say here, it's a balm even on the fractured relationship you might have with yourself. Because I know for some of you in this room, it's easier for you to use gracious words with others. But if we could hear your internal dialogue, the things that you're saying to yourself, they're folly. You're using crude words about you, towards yourself. And I know that that's hard, but even towards yourself, even in the speech you use to yourself about yourself, use gracious words. Because here's the thing, if our self-dialogue is ungracious, we can't outrun that forever because it reflects a heart that's struggling to accept grace.

And ultimately, that will come out in our conversations. If we're feeding ourself this unending dialogue of ungraciousness. And it's hard to do. This is not an easy pattern to establish. And no proverb says, "Hey, make your predominant response, make your predominant speech gracious." It's hard. It involves learning. It involves making mistakes. It involves apologies to get this going. But I do think it's a little easier when we take into heart the second instruction that's there. And that is to use measured words. Use measured words. Measure your words. Measure the necessity of your words. Measure the potential impact of your words before they come out of your mouth.

Proverbs 12:18 says, "The words of the reckless, pierced-like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 15:1, should be my life verse. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." And one more, because this is, I think, so important. Proverbs 17:27, "The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered." You know, one of the most measured speakers I know in my life is Pastor Mark Spurlock. He spoke last weekend. Mark is exceedingly measured in his speech, sometimes for me painstakingly so.

I call him thesaurus man because he feels like he's always editing himself looking for the exact right word that he wants to say. But here's the truth about Mark in comparison to me. Mark has to apologize a lot less than I do because he has not trapped himself with his speech. For every 10 words he says, I have said 100, 90 of which I need to apologize for. And so this measured speech truly, truly matters. It really does. Not every thought that goes through your mind needs to come out your mouth. This is shocking for some of you, I know. But you can be authentic. You can be true to your life and true to your experience and self-edit a little bit. Breathe. Pray. Don't hit send on that text or that email. Ask God for wisdom. Run it through a filtering system.

And if you don't trust your filtering system, borrow a friend's filtering system and ask them, is this wise? Does this promote good and healthy relationships? And the final instruction I see here in Proverbs is that in addition to our measured words, we need to have those words be timely words. Use timely words. There is a season for everything in life, and that means we want to manage when we say things. One of the funniest verses in the book of Proverbs paints a great picture of the importance of this. It's Proverbs 27:14 that says, "If anyone loudly blesses their neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse." When you say something matters, even if you are saying something gracious and kind, even if you've run it through the filtering system and measured it, timing matters when it comes to speaking words in a relationship.

So we want to be timely. The verse I put at the top of your notes there in one of my favorites, Proverbs 25:11, says, "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." And I love that word picture, that a timely word can be like walking into somebody's life and setting down an apple of gold in a silver life. That when we utter timely words, when we utter measured words, we have the opportunity to be used by God to do that in somebody's life. So aim to be an apples of gold person. Aim to have apples of gold timing in your relationships with others.

And even in your encounters with people you meet along the way, you never know what an apple of gold word and timing could do in somebody's life. I have had apples of gold words completely change me. And that person may not ever know they did it. I can't even remember my second teacher, second grade teacher's name, but she had an apple of gold moment in my life. And it changed me. It changed how I viewed myself. Aim to be that person. And again, I know this is a lot to take in. I know this is a lot of proverb to hear at one time. Some of you may have never heard this many proverbs in your whole life at one time.

But don't run away from it. You might be sitting there thinking, "Well, actually this is working out okay for me. I don't really like people. I don't talk to people that much, so I'm fine. I'll just stay off in my little corner." Or you might be like me and you like the words, and you're thinking, "I don't know if there's any hope for me at this point. What can be done to help me at this stage of the game?" Or you might be sitting there and every word I have said so far is just running through a filter of past pain. You are stuck in the past because of words somebody has said to you, and everything I've said, you've just thought, "Yep, that's why I hurt. That's why this is bad. Nope, nobody ever talked to me like that. I never had such a good life."

And it has paralyzed you in your present, and the words have weighed you down. Again, I get that words are powerful. I've told you some of the nicer and funnier examples in my life that I, like many people in this room, have not so funny and not so nice examples of pain that words have caused, and paralyzing fear that words have put in me. And if I could wave a magic wand over you and make those words go away, I would. I absolutely would because I know how hard it is. But I want to encourage you, if you find yourself stuck in the pain of past words, to make today the day that you cut the chains.

Because here's the thing, people will, they just will. If you haven't noticed, we're surrounded by humans. These humans will either intentionally or unintentionally hurt you. It is just a fact of life. But we cannot take everything to heart. But we can take everything to God. We can take everything to God. And here's the great thing, God made you. God loves you. God can heal you in a way that is uniquely fit to your pain, like nothing else can. No apology could match the healing that you can find with God. Because God gets you better than you get yourself. You can find healing in his presence for that past pain.

Or maybe in this room today, you're the person who said the words. Maybe you have spoken words in anger that haunt you. I know I have. That just you can hear those words when you're alone, and they embarrass you. Maybe you have become so opinionated and so in love with the sound of your voice that you have isolated yourself from your other relationships. And you don't know if you can find your way back into those relationships. I want to tell you today, I want to tell myself today what Mark told us last week in his sermon. One of the great quotes that encouraged me, the best time to plant a tree is 25 years ago. The second best time is today.

Today you can start to plant the tree of wise words. Today you can choose gracious words to say. Today is the day for the love of all that is holy. Don't delay. Plant the tree. You can do that today because it's not hopeless. It's not hopeless for any of us. Every one of us in this room, I don't care if you are two or 200, we struggle with words, but it's not hopeless because it's not all up to us. That is the exceedingly good news. It is not all up to us. The Bible teaches us many great things, but God knows that just adjusting our habits, just sheer discipline is not enough. We need to adjust our hearts because ultimately my words reveal my heart. That's the bottom line. My words reveal my heart.

Proverbs 16:23 says, "The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent." The heart makes your mouth prudent. Jesus said in Luke 6:45, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." That's one of the most searing verses I ever read in scripture. Out of the abundance of the heart, out of what is extra in my heart, my mouth will speak. And it's not sheer willpower that ultimately helps us manage our mouths. We do need discipline. There's no doubt about that, but ultimately our words reflect and are controlled by our hearts. And in order for our hearts to change so that our words can change, we need a Savior. We need Jesus.

And the good news is we have him. We just celebrated his birth two weeks ago. We have a Savior, and Jesus promises us not just to be with us and not just to redeem us and to help us, but he promises to give us power to change, real power that starts with our hearts and works its way out. And that's what we ultimately need because when we know, when we know the grace and the love of God, we then are secure enough to speak grace, to speak love to other people because we are giving to them out, not out of our, as the hymn says, our hoarded resources. We're giving to them out of the overflow of what Jesus has lavished on us. We're acting in the overflow of the power that raised Christ from the dead. And that is where we start to manage our mouths.

Let's pray. Dear Heavenly Father, I ask today that for each one of us in this room, you would work specifically in our hearts. God, I ask that you would help us as we go through today, as we go through this week, to be aware of what we say. And God, I even pray at some risk that you would make us uncomfortable when we cross the line, that your spirit would work in our hearts when we're beginning to speak unwise words and that you would stop us from speaking words that harm relationships, that you would stop us from speaking words that beat ourselves down, God, that you would stop us from loving the sound of our own voice over the sound of others, God.

I pray that you would work on our hearts, Lord. I pray that the power that raised you from the dead would be active in each one of us this week, changing us from the inside out. I pray that increasingly our words would be a reflection of your grace. And what comes out of our mouths would be a reflection of your love for each person, your grace for each person. God, thank you that at your throne there is mercy. We've all failed in so many ways when it comes to our words, and we need your mercy. We need your grace. And God, I pray that for those people today who especially are feeling trapped by their words in the past, that they would find healing at your throne, that God, you would work a miracle in their lives and that you would free them from the chains that bind them, God. Thank you. Thank you that we do not do this alone. Thank you that ultimate change is found in your mercy and in your grace. In Jesus' name, amen.