Friendship

The Art of Living Well, Wisdom from Proverbs. Let's talk about friendship. And by the way, good morning. I'm so glad that you are here with us today. In this series, we're focusing on becoming wiser people, right? Because wisdom truly affects every single area of life. And you know, we've not only been studying this in the book of Proverbs, but as your pastors, we've really taken this to heart.

So we're approaching it from an academic perspective, from a theological perspective, even a scientific perspective. That may surprise you, but we have like our own little wisdom lab where we are just checking out all sorts of questions, leaving no stone unturned, questions that you might not even think we would ask. For instance, let me just see how you are on the wisdom chart right now.

Is it wise to pull on the tail of a bull elephant? Would that be wise? Yes or no? Raise your hand if you think that's wise. Okay. Some of you are thinking, a few of you. That's interesting. Okay. Here's another one. Would it be wise to use a beehive as a pinata? No. Okay. Now, here's one. Would it be wise to run away from one of those police dogs? Would that be a wise thing to do? You think? No? Okay.

Well, you know what? See, this is all opinion. This is not science. You need to be able to kind of validate these things. I'm going to let Renee validate the first two. However, I'm putting some skin in the game here. I have risked life and limb to discover the actual wisdom or not behind running away from a police dog. What would happen? Well, I found out. I give up. That is clearly unwise.

There you have it. That really has nothing to do with what we're talking about today, but I thought you'd think it's really cool to see a German shepherd just take me down. It was a ton of fun. And now, from man's best friend to the issue at hand, friendship. See, there you go. It's a natural segue right there.

I want to say from the outset that my thoughts were helped along by a pastor named Tim Keller. From his own study in the book of Proverbs, Tim Keller kind of summarizes the bottom line statement from Proverbs concerning friendship. And I want you to listen carefully because this is a bold statement that Keller makes. Here it is. You will not be a wise person and you cannot lead a wise life unless you are great at choosing, forging, and keeping terrific friendships.

Do you believe that? You will not do well in life unless you are great at choosing, forging, and keeping terrific relationships. And it's not just Proverbs or Tim Keller that make this point. I can't affirm this anymore because this is the kind of topic that doesn't come with a lot of firecrackers. It's not terribly provocative, but it is totally foundational to life.

Your friendships are huge when it comes to the things that influence you, shape you, and propel you along in life. And there's actually scientific evidence behind this, actual scientific evidence. For example, a 10-year Australian study found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22% less likely to die over the course of the 10-year study.

Last year, Harvard researchers reported strong social ties promote brain health as we age. Bella DiPaolo, a psychology professor at UC Santa Barbara, notes that in many studies, friendship has an even greater effect on health than a spouse or family member, which I found surprising, but she says that during a six-year study of 736 middle-aged Swedish men, attachment to a single person didn't appear to affect the risk of heart attack and fatal coronary heart disease, but having friendships did.

Only smoking was as important a risk factor as lack of social support. It's amazing. And finally, here's a fascinating clue into the power of friendship. Researchers at Virginia Tech University took three dozen students to the base of a hill where they put a weighted backpack on each one of them. And they asked these students to estimate the steepness of the hill.

They had like a point scale, and some of the students were there with friends, and others were there all by themselves. Now listen to this. The students who were there with their friends gave lower estimates of the steepness of the hill. In fact, the closer the friendship, the less steep the students perceived the hill to be. Friendships literally affect our perception of reality.

Karen Roberto, director of this and related studies at Virginia Tech, states, "The consistent message of these studies is that friends make our lives better." So friendship is so key to our success, our health, our mental outlook. What are some key things that we need to understand? This morning I want to give you three categories that all have to do with friendship.

And the first is this, it's the gift of friendship. I invite you to write that down, the gift of friendship. Proverbs 17 says, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." Now what does that mean? For many years, I should say, I thought that this verse was saying that whereas your good friends you get along with pretty much all the time, a brother, a sibling is born for adversity.

In other words, it's just inevitable that you're going to fight with your brother and your sisters. And that was kind of a curiosity to me because my brother and I, I guess we were just the exception to the rule. We always had such a wonderful relationship, but as I've studied this more, I don't think it means that.

I think when it says that a brother is born for a time of adversity, it's saying that when times are tough, your family is going to rally around you. They're loyal. They've got your back when you need them, generally speaking, but that doesn't mean that your family necessarily likes you. Does that come as a revelation? Listen, they love you. They'll be there for you, but they might not like you.

You might not be your brother or sister's first choice as the person to hang out with on a weekend, and the feeling may go both ways. But a friend loves at all times because friendship is a choice. We don't get to choose our family, but we do choose our friends.

And even before that choice is made and solidified, there's a cool moment of discovery that happens. We discover our friends like hidden treasure, and you find you have this common connection with someone. You share a passion for the same things. You have this mutual affinity, and from this affinity emerges the bonds of a genuine friendship, which is really unique among all the other human relationships because you're not bound by family or genetics or history.

You're not bound by a marriage covenant, although friendship is certainly the basis of a successful marriage. But my point is this. With friends, there's no legal and ceremonial contract. There's not even the magnetism of romance that holds you together. Let's simply come together through something very simple and basic. You identify with each other.

You see something in that other person that you also see in yourself, and when that happens, it's a gift. C.S. Lewis in his book The Four Loves writes this, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What? You too? I thought I was the only one.'" In other words, friends get each other.

For example, this past Thursday, thousands of law enforcement officers, first responders, members of the community gathered together to honor the lives and memories of Santa Cruz Police Detectives Butch Baker and Elizabeth Butler. Some of you were there, and a number of those who spoke, especially fellow officers, talked about the bonds that they have with each other, bonds that come from shared experience, shared commitment, shared sacrifice, shared hardships.

And without having to say it, their hearts recognize and affirm those things in each other, and it's like they're saying to themselves, "You too. I know I'm not the only one." And this deep brotherhood, this kinship grows out of these shared affinities.

And while that memorial service was being broadcast, several of us back at the church were watching on, as many of you did no doubt, and we were also praying for Renee during that service, as I know so many of you were as well. And while the events that precipitated Thursday's service could not have been more unwelcome, and that's the understatement of the year, I have to say I am so proud of my fellow pastor and dear friend, Renee, seeing him absolutely.

I couldn't think of anyone better situated between the interactions he's had with community leaders through the food drives and all these other community projects to be situated in such a way to share the love, the compassion, the hope of Jesus in such a wise and winsome way, and it was truly one of his finest moments.

Now as we said earlier, or as we saw earlier in Proverbs, a friend loves at all times, and Renee was perhaps at his most lovable last Thursday as he just did such a wonderful job. And Mike Renee, you'll have moments where you rise to the occasion and you shine, and there might not be television cameras capturing your every word, but nonetheless, people will be attracted to you in those moments.

But just like we have our finest moments, our best moments, we also have our low moments, our worst moments, don't we? And our friends are privy to both. Our friends see the good, but they also see the bad and the ugly, and yet a friend loves at all times without obligation. That's why it's such a gift.

Now that said, once you discover this kind of friendship, you receive this kind of gift, you know, it's one thing to find a friend, it's another thing to keep a friend. How do you do that? Well this is really where Proverbs has the most to say. This is where we're going to spend most of our time because Proverbs focuses on how to forge healthy and lasting friendships, and that's why I'm calling this next category the glue of friendship.

Because these things remind me of, you know when you have those industrial strength adhesives and you have to mix together two or more ingredients, and when you do, it forms this incredibly strong bond. Well these five ingredients, when mixed together, will make an unbreakable bond between friends, and the first ingredient is character.

Proverbs basically says that fools perish from either the lack of friends or from having the wrong friends. And that's where character comes in. And it's so huge because sometimes people in our culture which celebrates individualism will say some things like, "I am a self-made man, self-made woman, I got to where I am by doing things my way. I go by my own stars, I am my own person." Really? Is that really who you are?

I'll tell you who you are. When you're young, you're pretty much who your family shapes you to be. And there on out, you're pretty much who your friends shape you to be. You and I didn't emerge out of a vacuum. We're formed by our family and then often to a greater degree, we are formed and shaped by our friends.

And with this in mind, Proverbs 12:26 says, "The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." We all know stories of people who have kind of thrown their lot in with the wrong crowd only to have their lives go down the tubes because bad character can corrupt good morals and a fool ignores this to their peril.

But most time, you know, the character question isn't so obvious like, "Man, that person is a real demon. I wonder if I should be their friend." Often it's a little bit more subtle than that. It's things that are like, you know, what's this person's worldview? How will that affect mine? What are their amusements and their entertainments, their habits that might rub off on me?

How do they treat others? Do they share information with me about other people that they really shouldn't betraying confidences? Because remember, people who talk to you about other people talk to other people about you, don't they? And of course, you know, nobody's perfect, but, you know, is their character sufficiently reliable? Would you trust them with your life, with your children? Would you trust them with your PIN number, the password to your computer?

When you need trustworthy advice, are they capable of giving it? For example, this is a lighthearted parable of sorts, true story, but it illustrates the importance of reliability when it comes to character and advice. My wife, Laura, and I were looking for a little couch for our family room, and Laura found one on Craigslist that she really liked, and the seller was over in the Alum Rock area of San Jose.

I didn't know exactly where that was. I mean, it's kind of over in the east side of San Jose, but not to worry because Laura has one of the latest technological wonders on her phone. It even comes with its own name. It's called Siri. And so Siri is just going to tell us how to get there. And Siri talks to us in this reassuring feminine voice, "Turn right in 300 feet." Okay, Siri, I will do that.

Well, like I said, I didn't know exactly where Alum Rock was, but my suspicions started to rise up when Siri sends us up 880 North, and we pass 280 South. It turns into 680, which goes to East San Jose. And we're just going along, trusting her, trusting her. And then she says, "Turn South on Highway 101." And I go, "Well, wait a minute. If you know the geography, we've just gone way north on 880, and now we're turning around 180 degrees and going south."

And I'm going, "You know where Siri's taking us? She's taking us to 680 East," which is where I knew we should have gone all along. And sure enough, head east on 680. And I'm going, "You know what? I'm an Apple guy, don't get me wrong, but Siri was not our friend that night. She led us astray. I could have looked at some old school map, could have drawn it out on a piece of paper, would have been better off."

So now I'm frustrated, and I'm venting at Siri, and I'm asking her questions like, "Siri, what is stupid?" One moment while I check on what is stupid. Don't bother, Siri, you're stupid. That's who's stupid. And we're stupid for listening to you, and this phone is stupid. I throw it out of the stupid car. No, I didn't do that. That would have been really stupid.

But here's the moral of the story. The wrong voice can lead us down many a stupid road, can it? The voice of a friend is powerful, so be careful who you listen to. Friends are so influential. Proverbs 22:24–25 say, "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person. Do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared." Whether it's anger or some other type of destructive behavior, unwise anger, we've talked about righteous anger in the series, but unwise, uncontrolled anger, or another character issue, look out.

You may just learn their ways and become ensnared yourself. Now this doesn't mean that we don't reach out and befriend all sorts of people, because Jesus did this all the time, didn't He? But it was never at the expense of His mission, was it? He was able to keep His mission and His love for that person and His character intact, and so we need to be discerning and aware of how we're being influenced.

Be careful is the point, students, you want to survive, you want to thrive on your college campus. Be careful about the folks that become your closest friends. Be discerning about their impact on you, because here's the thing, friends have the power to bring out the best in us, and they also have the power to bring out the worst.

Well, good character promotes this next quality, and that's constancy. Constancy. What do I mean by you should have constancy in your relationship? Well, I'm talking about an abiding presence, someone who year after year after year, whether they live down the street or they live in another state, there's something about that relationship that transcends all of those things, and they're an abiding presence in your life, a constant presence.

In fact, if you're blessed, you may just have a friend who sticks with you for your entire life, and if you do, man, you got to celebrate that person. You got to call them when you get home and thank them for their friendship, because Proverbs 18:24 says, "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Here's the thing, many, perhaps most of the people you know, you know them because they're useful to you. I know that's not the most delicate way to say it, but it's true, and many, if not most of the people that have made an effort to get to know you, they know you because you are useful to them.

In fact, the more you have to offer, whether it's power or wealth or fame or whatever it is that people want, the more likely that this truth is at play in those relationships. That's why I referenced Proverbs 19:6 in what should say 14:20 in your notes. I know it says 26, so you can cross that out and put 14:20, but both of these Proverbs talk about how it's human nature to curry the favor of people who have things that we want, and specifically in those two Proverbs, it's wealth. It's human nature.

But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. They're not into you for what you can give them. They're not after the goods. They love you whether the world is flocking to you or not. And by the way, the word "sticks" there in the original Hebrew is the same word that's translated elsewhere in the Old Testament for "cleave." "Cleave," like in Genesis 2 where it says, "For this reason, a man will leave his family and will cleave to his wife." It's that powerful, that enduring of a bond.

And if, again, you have this kind of constancy in a friendship, man, cherish it because not all of your relationships do. Proverbs 20:6 says, "Many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful person who can find." You might have a lot of contacts, a lot of friends on Facebook, a lot of people following you on Twitter. Whatever the case, an enduring life-giving friendship must include character, constancy, and third, carefulness. Carefulness.

The better the friendship, the more emotionally in tune two people are. You thoroughly enjoy being together, but you're okay being apart. This past weekend, I had the opportunity to speak up in Lake Tahoe at a men's retreat, and one of my primary motives for doing this was not to just serve, but also one of my best friends, I was going to pick him up in Davis, we're going to go up to this retreat, room together, and then have the car ride down as well.

And this is a friend who I used to work with very closely up at Camp Hammer, a guy named Dan Sights, but Dan and I haven't spent perhaps more than a day or an evening together in the last 15 years, so to have this weekend was just such a gift. And the amazing thing when you have a friend who is just so emotionally in tune with you is you can just pick up just like that, just like that.

And one of the blessings of his friendship is this point right here, just careful, knowing when to be there and when not to be there, because these types of friendships, they fill us up. Not so good friendships? Well, they can drain us because there's a problem with the emotional sync of the relationship. And these next few Proverbs are going to illustrate that, some in humorous ways, like Proverbs 25:17, "Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house. Do much of you and they will hate you." 25:20, "Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day or like vinegar poured out on a wound is one who sings songs to a heavy heart."

Again, emotionally out of sync, able to sing songs, which is a reference to happy songs, when you're down in the dumps, makes you feel worse. But a true friend, when you suffer, they suffer. Proverbs 26:18 says, "Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, 'I was only joking.'" I love that, like flaming arrows of death.

But have you ever known someone who is often prone to sarcasm or might even say things that are hurtful or inappropriate, and then it's like, "I was just joking. You know, don't let your feathers get ruffled. I was just joking. What? What's the big deal?" Or someone who, they love to be the prankster, they love to joke, and that's all fun and good, but they pick just the worst times. Poor timing, not careful.

Along these lines, Proverbs 27:14 says, "If anyone loudly blesses their neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse." Out of touch, not careful when it comes to knowing when to give you space and when to draw near. Or in this next instance, not careful when it comes to even keeping confidences. Proverbs 17:9 says, "Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends."

And again, this is where the character issue comes right back in because when you really love someone, you treat that friendship with carefulness and with confidence. And as you're flipping over your notes, I just got to add here because this is sometimes a problem within Christian culture. So much of what is just plain old gossip is, you know, cloaked over under the banner of prayer requests, right?

Please pray for this guy because, man, let me tell you what's going on in his life. Be careful. Be careful. Now, this doesn't mean that you just tell your friends what they want to hear, when they want to hear it, and that's it because another thing that glues friends together is this next thing and that's candor.

People who won't tell you the truth when you need to hear the truth, when you're headed for ruin, ultimately don't love you. They love themselves and they just want you to like them no matter what. Even if it's to your peril, I just want to be in your good graces. That's a selfish motivation. And look at these next few verses, Proverbs 27:5–6 says, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." 29:5, "Those who flatter their neighbors are spreading nets for their feet."

Now this doesn't mean that you're always confronting. That's not the point. There is on one hand a selfishness that will cause someone to never tell you what you really need to hear. That's selfishness. In fact, it's enablement. Whether you're doing that to a friend or a friend is doing that to you, you take candor out of the equation and you've got enablement. You've got a lack of courage, a lack of love.

But it goes both ways. And on the other side, you can have friends who always got to confront you. They're always kind of dumping the truck on you and it's, you know, "This is how you're disappointing me," or "I just got to get this off my chest." That's not love either. That's emotional exploitation. That's an instance where a person has a perpetual need to have drama in their relationships.

And wisdom puts you at that appropriate center where you're able to speak the truth in love when it's necessary and you're able to give your friend a pass for their shortcomings because we all have them. But man, if you have someone who can speak the truth in love, who really, really genuinely wants your best interest, again, you have a gift.

So this ties into the last ingredient that glues friends together and that's counsel. Because we don't seek wisdom simply for our own benefit. The wiser we become, the more of a blessing we become to those around us, especially those who are in our inner circle because wise people are able to speak wise words into the lives of their friends.

The Proverbs 27:9 says, "Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice." If that's not motivating enough, think of this. The wiser you become, the more you demonstrate character, constancy, carefulness, and candor in your life, in your relationships, the more you'll be sought out by people with those very same qualities.

Proverbs 22:11 says, "One who loves a pure heart and who speaks with grace will have the king for a friend." Having the ability to give wise, godly advice makes you more attractive. And we could just stop here and say, "Well, here's five things that I think are very helpful, very constructive. Let's make it our goal, our ambition to incorporate these things into our lives, into our friendships and good things will come of it." And that's certainly true.

In fact, these five things will help not just your friendship but your marriage or your relationship with your kids or with your parents, whatever the case may be. But where do we get the power to live these things out? Well, it comes from this last source. It comes from the greatest friendship, the greatest friendship.

That last proverb we saw, 22:11 talks about having the king for a friend, right? Well, the king of the universe, the one that possesses every single one of those virtues that we saw perfectly, that king, Jesus Christ, says, "I want to be your friend." God wants to be our friend. This is the stunning news of Jesus Christ because we don't have to go, you know, looking for God and straining to find Him and then trying to appease Him and get on His good side. God has found us.

God welcomes us. God says, "I want to be your friend." And so on the night before Jesus would go to the cross, He gathers together with His closest friends and He says, "This is what my friendship looks like." In John 15 He says, "Greater love has no one than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends for everything that I have learned from my Father, I have made known to you."

Now Jesus isn't saying that we become His friends by following all His commands perfectly because if that was the case, Jesus wouldn't have any friends, would He? Not a single one. What Jesus is pointing to is the fact that friendship with Him transforms us because that's what happens in a close friendship. We rub off on each other.

Iron sharpens iron and in His case, His perfection shapes us and His power transforms us. I mean, make no mistake, Jesus takes us just as we are, just as we are, but He loves us too much. He's too good of a friend to leave us that way. And so He's going to make us better than we are.

And you might be thinking to yourself, "Well, you know, Mark, you have no idea of the mistakes I've made. I've just got a trail of wreckage behind me as far as the eye can see. Who in the world would ever want to be my friend?" Jesus would. Jesus would want to be your friend desperately. In fact, Jesus wants to be your friend so badly that He laid down His life on a cross for you so that you, so that I, so that everyone in this room, everyone hearing my voice, so that you could go from being an enemy of God to becoming a friend of God.

What an amazing offer of friendship. What an amazing gift. And finally, for those of you who have been thinking today, again, Mark, that's all fine and well, but I'm new to the area. I'm new to this church and haven't really had the opportunity to make friendships. Well, I want you to know that as a pastoral staff man, we stand ready to help you.

Just contact any single one of us and we will do our very best to help get you connected with people that you have affinity with or common ground and see what becomes of that. You do your part. You show up. You call us up. You let us know how we can help you and we will be there for you.

But perhaps finally, you know, it's something different. Frankly, it's that you've always struggled to form friendships. Well, again, I want to point you to the five things that we looked at. I believe they will really help you if you take them to heart, pray over them, ask Jesus to make them a reality in your life.

But let me just give you one more little source of hope here. Because if you have placed your faith and trust in Jesus, you've said, "Yes, Jesus," to His friendship and you've exchanged your failures for His forgiveness, then guess what? You have something very profound in common with just about every person in this room, just about everyone here this weekend.

In fact, you have something very profound in common with all of the friends of Jesus around the globe. Now, that doesn't mean that they're all going to become your best friends. Best friends are actually quite rare. We only have space in our lives for probably a few. But it does mean this. It means that as you grow in your passion for Jesus, and as He becomes more and more your core influence, you will not help but encounter people who look at you and say, "What, you too?" And I thought I was the only one.

And from that springs the promise of friendships yet to be, friendships that the Lord may have for you just around the corner. So that may that comfort you and encourage you of the future that the Lord has in store for you. Would you bow your head as we take a moment to pray over these things?

Heavenly Father, thank you so much for offering your friendship to us, for taking the initiative when we were beyond hope. You simply offered the gift of your friendship and invite us into this amazing intimate relationship between Father, Son, and Spirit. You call us into that.

And so Father, I pray that that would fill us with a sense of tremendous blessing and encouragement this morning. And Father, thank you for creating friendship and for giving us friends. For those of us, Lord, who right now are thinking of a close friend that we've had for years or maybe one that we've just discovered, Lord, we thank you. We praise you for the good gifts that you give us in this way.

Lord, I pray for people in this room who are struggling to find friends and they're struggling with loneliness. Lord, I pray that as they take that little step that you allow them to take, they show up where they know people are gathering or where there's the potential to make friends and that can be a hard step.

But as they take that, Lord, I pray that you would bless those steps and that you would bring wonderful, good things, good friendships out of them. Father, help us all to be a more loving, a more friendly community, one that reflects the love, the grace, the welcoming that you've given us and extended to those all around us.

Thank you, Lord, for being our friends despite the fact that we're not worthy of it and yet you are proud to call yourself a friend of sinners. We pray this in the strong and gracious name of Jesus Christ. Amen.