How to Praise a Woman

The Art of Living Well is the name of our continuing series in the book of Proverbs. Today I want to talk about how to praise a woman. And I think that we guys need to learn this, we kids need to learn this, and this became clear to me when I was shopping for Mother's Day cards myself at about 8:15 this morning. Thank God for Safeway and its card aisle.

But anyway, some of these cards I discovered are definitely not how to praise a woman. I would think like this: "Mom, I love you more than I love bacon and I really, really love bacon." Probably not how to praise a woman, I don't think. Neither is this. I couldn't believe this one: "We love our neurotic self-centered mother," and there's a little badge for you to wear, mom, throughout Mother's Day. I know. How about this one? "Dear Mom, I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child. Happy Mother's Day." And finally, you moms might like this one: "I child-proofed my house, but they still get in." Well, I think we need to learn how to praise a woman.

I don't know if you saw this, but there was a fascinating article in the Santa Cruz Sentinel just this past week. The lead paragraph said a former San Jose police officer is the star of a new video that has women rethinking the way they judge their own appearance. This guy, the article was about Gil Zamora, is a forensic sketch artist. That means he sketches a crime suspect's face based on witnesses' descriptions, right? Well, he was tapped this year to work on a video for Dove Soap as part of their Real Beauty campaign.

Watch this. "I'm a forensic artist, work for the San Jose Police Department from 1995 to 2011." "I showed up to a place I'd never been, and there was a guy with a drafting board. We couldn't see them; they couldn't see us." "Tell me about your hair." "I didn't know what he was doing, but then I could tell after several questions that he was drawing me." "Tell me about your chin." "It kind of protrudes a little bit, especially when I smile." "Your jaw?" "My mom told me I had a big jaw." "What would be your most prominent feature?" "Kind of have a fat rounder face." "The older I've gotten, the more freckles I've gotten." "I would say I have a pretty big forehead." "Once I get a sketch, I say thank you very much, and then they leave. I don't see them." "All I had been told before the sketch was to get friendly with this other woman, Chloe." "Today I'm gonna ask you some questions about a person you met earlier, and I'm gonna ask you some general questions about their face." "She was thin, so you could see her cheekbones and her chin; it was a nice thin chin." "She had nice eyes; they lit up when she spoke." "Cute nose." "She had blue eyes, very nice blue eyes." "So here we go. This is the sketch that you helped me create, and that's a sketch that somebody described of you." "Yeah, that's..." "She looks closed off and fatter. Sadder too. The second one looks more open, friendly, and happy." "I should be more grateful for my natural beauty. It impacts the choices and the friends that we make, the jobs we apply for, how we treat our children. It impacts everything. It couldn't be more critical to your happiness." "Do you think you're more beautiful than you say?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "We spend a lot of time as women analyzing and trying to fix the things that aren't quite right, and we should spend more time appreciating the things that we do like."

Isn't that amazing? That is a very important lesson, and listen, I want to talk this morning especially to the women that are here and especially to the moms. How do you see yourself? Not too beautiful, maybe not too important, maybe not too smart. Well, I don't know how you would honestly describe yourself, how you honestly see yourself, but I think you're going to have an experience this morning like those women had in this video because you're going to see yourself as others see you this morning. You're gonna see yourself as God sees you as we learn what he says about how to praise you.

We're in Proverbs 31:10–31 today. Now hold on because already I hear some women going, "Oh no, not Proverbs 31." No, no! This is a famous chapter of the Bible, famously disliked by women. I've actually had women tell me, I had women tell me 20 years ago when I first started here as a pastor, "I hope you never preach on Proverbs 31 on Mother's Day." I'm sick of it! Why? They said because it's just this long list of expectations to live up to; nobody can possibly do it. It's a laundry list of guilt, and I don't ever want to hear it again.

Now why do people feel this way about it? Well, because it's true most of the time Proverbs 31 is taught by a man as if it's a report card for women, like how do you stack up next to this spiritual superstar? But you know what? That's really not the intent of Proverbs 31 at all. In fact, that's the opposite of the intent of this famous chapter of the Bible. To really understand Proverbs 31, you have to look at the context, just like all the rest of scripture. If you understand the context, the literary context, historical, the meanings of the words, sometimes it could completely change the way you understand a passage of the Bible because you see much more clearly what it was meant to say.

So let's get some background on this. Proverbs 31 was actually written by a mother to her son. Now how do we know that? Well, verse 1 of Proverbs 31 says, "The words of King Lemuel, an oracle that his mother taught him." An oracle is like a teaching or even a prophecy that is word for word because it's considered to be direct teaching from God. So this was a word-for-word teaching from his mother that King Lemuel wrote down. He just took it as dictation and wrote it down. But all the words we are about to read are words by a woman. Proverbs 31 is not by men about women. It's one of those parts of the Bible that is authored by a woman and it's about what men should notice in women.

Now more on that in just a second. It's also an acrostic poem. Now do you know what an acrostic is? It's one of those poems you see them a lot on Mother's Day cards where each line starts with a letter that spells something, right? Kind of like this is an actual Mother's Day poem that I wrote many, many years ago for my mother. It spells out mommy, and here we go. M is for the meals she cooked for my little tummy. O is for the oatmeal made with raisins and some honey. M is for the meat she cooked, O so lean and tender. M is for the meals she made, though I would offend her. Y is for yummy sweets she baked, some fancy and some funny. M-O-M-M-O-Y, these letters they spell mommy. That's an acrostic, a rich deep poem with complex meaning. I know you'll agree.

But so in this passage, each stanza of this starts with a new letter of the Hebrew. There are 22 letters of the Hebrew alphabet, and so this spells out the Hebrew ABCs. Now this is helpful to know because it tips you off about a couple of things. First, it tips you off that the author here is not building an argument. This is a poem, not a lecture. This is a piece of art. It's not a list of commands. This is not a list of tasks for women to do. It's a list of qualities for men to notice and praise in women. And you know what? These qualities are not all to be found in one woman every day. These are various qualities that different kinds of women, according to their personalities and life situations, can display, and these are all in the Bible to instruct men on how to praise a woman.

Remember, the book of Proverbs in general was originally written to young boys, adolescent boys, to learn just how to get along in life. And that's why this is in here. And by the way, this means all women, married or unmarried, you know, whether they're moms or not. This isn't just about moms here. This is about all women because we all know what men tend to notice about women, right? Lemuel's mom knew what Lemuel tended to notice about women. And so she says here, "You know, Lem, I want you to notice these things instead because this will really be valuable for you because you'll be noticing these qualities when you look for a mate, and also because when you praise the women in your life for these things, you're just going to help them blossom into the person that God means for them to be." So jot these down.

Number one, she says, notice her character. Notice her character. Verse 10: "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies." Now the phrase noble character does not begin to capture the nuance behind this Hebrew word. Some other synonyms that might help you get the idea are powerful, strong, virtuous, valiant. And this kind of woman is valued all through the Bible. Think of Miriam, Moses's sister. She was a strong leader. One of her songs made it into the Bible as part of Holy Scripture. Think of Deborah in the Bible. She literally was the general who led the armies of Israel into battle. Think of Mary Magdalene, the first woman to witness the resurrection even before any of the male disciples. Think of Priscilla, one of the best teachers in the New Testament. Some theologians even think that she might have written the book of Hebrews. And think of Mary, the mother of Jesus. Talk about a strong woman. And one of the authors of the Bible too, her beautiful song, the Magnificat, made it into the Bible as part of Holy Scriptures.

So the Bible consistently praises strong women, women of noble character. Why? This says she is worth far more than rubies. How much is a good mom worth? Well, salary.com just released a study this week, and they said that if the typical U.S. mom were paid for her work as housekeeper, cook, daycare teacher, laundry worker, van driver, janitor, CEO of a small corporation, and more, she would earn approximately $138,000 a year. That's my wife over there applauding. But you know what? That's a lot. The Bible says not even close to what you're worth. This says she is worth more than rubies. And to put that into perspective, a single ruby sold recently for $5,860,000. A woman of character is worth far more. Men, that was a big opportunity for you to say amen. Is worth far more. All right, good. Getting some Mother's Day points. I'm gonna be giving you several opportunities throughout this message just to kind of tip you off, all right?

Okay. And then second, you got to notice her sacrifice because moms do sacrifice so much. Good. All right, you're catching on. I mean, whether you work outside the home or whether you're a full-time homemaker, you got to look at this. King Lemuel's mother again is telling him, "You got to notice these things that are often invisible." Verse 15: "She gets up while it's still night, still dark outside. She provides food for her family, portions for her female servants." So listen, she gets up while it's still dark. But now skip over to verse 18. "Her lamp does not go out at night." I got to tell you, when women have told me, "I don't like Proverbs 31," and I say, "Well, specifically why?" These are the two verses that they point to. They go, "That's impossible! She's getting up when it's still dark, and this woman apparently never sleeps." Well, some of you have young kids at home, and you know exactly what this is talking about. You're struggling to get the sleep you need.

But remember, this is not saying this is how you should live. This is just saying this is how it is for a lot of women, and men need to notice their sacrifice. Yes, all right. Now not just notice their sacrifice, we also need to help out. You know, don't just notice it. Actually lift a finger too. That means a lot. I told my wife Lori one time, "Honey, it is your birthday today." And so listen, I'm gonna clean out the cat poop out of the litter box in the garage because that's been like hanging over our heads now, and we've been waiting for the other person to do it, right? So I'm gonna just clean the cat poop out of the litter box. I'm gonna vacuum. I'm gonna take the kids to school. I'll pick them up from school. Take them to a babysitter. I'm gonna take you to a nice romantic dinner, and I'm gonna give you a bathrobe. And Lori goes, "Shh, you had me at cat poop." You know, so it's meaningful.

Check this out. Verse 16: "She considers a field and buys it out of her earnings. She plants a vineyard." She's in real estate, and she owns a vineyard. You know, this isn't just praising homemakers; it's praising the whole spectrum of what women do in the world. Verse 17: "She sets about her work vigorously. Her arms are strong for her tasks." Circle that word if you have a pencil or pen with you. Strong. Her arms are strong. Reminds me of those "We Can Do It" posters from World War II, right? Now you might not picture this woman when you see her as the Bible's ideal woman, but she really is. And she's a great business person. Verse 18: "She sees that her trading is profitable. She makes linen garments and sells them and supplies the merchants with sashes." So it says, "Notice these things. How she takes care of the kids and how her trading is profitable and she helps take care of the finances."

And third, "Notice her generosity." Notice her generosity. Verse 20: "She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy." Praise the women in your life for their concern for the poor and the needy. Because you know what? Often they lead us all when it comes to this. NBCNews.com recently reported on a new study. Check this out. They studied the giving patterns of 8,000 Americans and found out that "women across nearly every income level gave significantly more to charity than men." Nearly twice as much in some cases, according to a study by the Center on Philanthropy at Indiana University. In fact, it was interesting looking at the breakdown; older women gave 89% more than older men. Now what's this teach us? Older guys are cheap. Exactly, and we all knew that already.

But next verse, verse 21: "When it snows, she has no fear for her household, for all of them are clothed in scarlet." Now what's this reference to her household doing in a passage that seems to be about our care for the poor and needy? Well, you might think of kids and husband as a household, but in those days, the household included all the servants and helpers, and this woman takes care of them all. She doesn't clothe them in rags; she clothes them in the best clothes, in scarlet. In other words, she's a generous boss. She's a good tipper. Notice her generosity.

And fourth, notice her true beauty. That Dove Bar commercial, you know, the real beauty commercial I opened with, it was posted on Facebook recently. Hundreds of women posted their responses. Listen to this one woman named Eva Gonzalez wrote, "My husband showed me the video tonight. For years he has heard me complain about my weight or the way I perceive myself, and his response has always been, 'But you're beautiful to me.' Well tonight I finally get it." Today is a great day for you to tell your mom, your wife, the grandma, your sister, friends, to tell them that you notice their real inner beauty. Well, what do I say? Verse 25: "She is clothed with something even better than designer named brands: strength and dignity. She can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom. Faithful instruction is on her tongue. Your strength, your dignity, your laughter, your wisdom, your faithful instruction. That is beauty that lasts.

But I hope you see the point in all this. This is not a description of some superwoman. This is a different way of looking at the lives of women. This is how Lemuel's mom is teaching him to look at women in his life. Not to put them down, but to value them. To value things about them that are often invisible to men. And you know what? She's also teaching you moms how to see yourself. Before our final point, I want you to watch a four-minute video that I think a lot of moms here will relate to. Watch this.

I have to be honest. I never wanted kids. I got married, I got into my career, and I found a lot of satisfaction in what I did there. I think somewhere deep down inside I knew there were gonna be a lot of work, and I didn't feel like I was prepared to deal with such a hard job. Emma is my firstborn. She tends to be very responsible. Sam is my second, and he's very smart and creative. And then there's Thomas. He's six, and he is non-stop boy. Well, my life in the morning is kind of like being a general. I'm coming out of a tornado. I have to get the troops up. I have to get them dressed, and I get them out the door to get them to school on time. Bye guys. Have a good day, Sam.

And once I drop my kids off, I get some much-needed personal time. The role of a mom has been hard for me at times. I feel like I'm never doing enough, and there's always something more to do. There's this internal image of the perfect mom that I can never really measure up to. Or I fall into the isolation that comes from being a mom, especially when they were really young. I would go sometimes weeks without seeing friends because my kids were sick or not sleeping, and it was very isolated. In all these areas, God has been patiently healing my heart. His grace has shown that I don't need to be a perfect person, and the more I rely on his wisdom and strength, the easier my task becomes.

To go from not wanting kids to actually seeing my role as a mom as a high calling and something valuable has been a gradual process. I've realized that God has called all of us to be faithful with what he's given us, and in my case, it's my kids. I only have one shot at this. I'm going to be the one to stand before God, and he's going to say, "What did you do with what I gave you? What did you do with the little humans that I gave you to form?" Success is being obedient to what God's given me, and if he's placed me as a mom and I do it for him, and I'm empowered by his wisdom, then that's going to bring him glory.

I think one day if I was sitting across from God, I'd like to hear him say, "Don, you did it. I know you didn't go into this with all the equipment that maybe other people went with, but didn't I know better than you did? And wasn't there tremendous blessing in taking you down this road? You were obedient to my call, and you did a good job of raising these kids. Well done. Motherhood is a high calling. Moms are awesome. And men notice this. Notice her character, her sacrifice, her generosity. Notice her true beauty, and then finally notice her. Just notice her. Guys?

All right, all right, good. Really, Proverbs 31 is all about noticing her, right? Verse 28: "Her children arise and call her blessed. Her husband also, and he praises her." This is King Lemuel's mom instructing King Lemuel from the time he's a boy. This is what husbands do. They praise their wives. "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." I love that because mothers stay scriptural, you know? You're given, you know, license here to get extravagant in your praise. And this next verse is really the key phrase to understanding this whole passage. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Now let's explore this. This is not saying she lacks charm or beauty, you know? Boy, you're sure no beauty, but you're very religious. Happy Mother's Day. Don't say that. Do not say that. René said in church, "No, no, no." This just means outer beauty fades, right? It just fades. How many of you are living proof of that? Can I see that show of hands? How many of you are sitting next to somebody who is living proof of that? No, don't raise your hands. Especially not men, please. The word "deceptive" here, what it means is a sham or facade. What it means is that's not the real you anyway. The real you is underneath. And what is really valuable to have underneath is to fear the Lord.

Now you might say, "What? Fear the Lord? Does this mean she's scared of God?" Well, we know it doesn't mean that. How do we know that? Because every single time God appears to somebody in the Bible or an angel appears with a message of God in the Bible, they always say one phrase first. Does anybody know what it is? Fear not. Don't be afraid because people are always freaked out by God or an angel. Don't be afraid. So we know that God doesn't want us to be afraid of him, but he does want us to fear the Lord. So don't be afraid, yet fear the Lord. What could that mean? It means to have a respect and awe and astonishment at God and just how awesome God is, how sovereign he is, how man he's in control. God is amazing. I cannot wrap my head around God. You know, not to have the attitude like, "Oh yeah, I got God all figured out." You know, he's my buddy to be like, "Man, God is mysterious and amazing. Stunning."

And when you have that sense of fear as in awe and astonishment of God, you know what happens to you? It makes you more confident because you go, "A God that amazing says that he loves me." Somebody said, "This woman's fear of the Lord makes her fearless of man." And I love that line. A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. And finally, look at verse 31: "Honor her for all that her hands have done and let her works." That means you notice all the things she does and all her works. "Let her works bring her praise at the city gate." Now when she mentions city gate, in ancient Israel this is where the town leaders met, the town square. This is saying women should be affirmed, should be recognized, should be valued publicly.

And since I've got the microphone, I just want to do that right now today. You know, my wife has been lovingly putting together a book of photographs for my mom's 80th birthday. And we found some photographs of mom that I've never seen before, photographs of her as a young mom with me. There I am on the lawn in front of her. But many of you know she raised me as a single mom, widowed not once but twice, the first time right around the time this picture was taken. And that was just the beginning of many challenges that she's faced in life. And she did rise up early, and she did stay up late, and she did provide for her little family as a single mom. And I have to tell you I cannot imagine having a better childhood. She's a woman of noble character, and I just hope that I can be more like that myself. She gave us a great childhood even when I did not make it easy on her all the time.

She told me one story that I can barely remember when I was very little. I wanted to be a fireman, wore my fireman hat around all the time. And she said one day she just left me for a few minutes, went into the kitchen. When she came back, I had the screen door completely open from the living room into the backyard over in San Jose, and I pulled the whole garden hose into the living room. And I had turned it on full blast, and I was wetting down all the walls and the paintings, the carpet, all the furniture. And when she came around the corner, she said I looked at her and said, "Don't worry, mom, I will save you from the fire." All the furniture ruined. But you know what I remember? I remember her hug following the spanking and the screaming, but I do remember the hug. What an awesome mom.

You know the word translated here praise. This comes from the Hebrew word halal, and that comes from a root word meaning to make a show, to boast, to rave, to shout. It does not mean, guys, that later today you go, "Hey, you know what the preacher was talking about." That's not what this means. This means you just like are screaming your praise to her, right? In fact, you know what? Let's just practice this right now. Moms, I want you to stay seated, and guys and children, get up and show your praise through shouting and boasting and raving to the moms that are here.

Awesome. Now we've been talking about moms today, right? Have we? Yes. We've been talking about moms today, and it's good to honor them, but I have to say as awesome as moms are, the strength to get through life will not come mostly from your mom. It comes from another source, and this is important because sometimes, as we've talked about, it's important to boast on your mom. Sometimes some of these cards and songs, in my opinion, kind of like overdo it just a little bit. You know, we sang a wonderful song the band did before the sermon, that great song "She's Somebody's Hero," but we were almost gonna do another one, and Dan and I were listening to the lyrics this week. Oh, here's a good song; this is a nice tune, but we listened to the lyrics, and they were like, "Mom, in the long dark night of my soul, you were the light of my life at all times, mom. When I was weak, you were always my strength, mom. I looked to you for hope and faith, and when it was over, I told Dan I want to receive my mother into my heart as my personal Lord and Savior after listening to this song."

There's only one place you can get that kind of strength, right? And that's not for mom, as awesome as she is; that's from God. And listen, when he came to earth, Jesus said that he longs to gather his wayward daughters and sons together, and you know the image? Do you remember the image he used? He said, "As a hen gathers her chicks under her wings." That's a great Mother's Day image right there. But God says this is how I love you, and he showed it when Jesus died on the cross for us. He spread his arms wide to gather us all in, to gather you in; that's you there in his feathers. And this is important because you know what? I know Mother's Day is not easy for a lot of people here in this room. Maybe you've recently lost your mom, and you're still grieving her, or maybe your kids don't treat you like we've been talking about today, or maybe if you're a mom, you feel some guilt about how you raised your kids. Some of you can't have children, and you're hurting about that. Others of you aren't married, and you wish you were. Some of you are parenting solo, and you're just striving to hold everything together. Whatever it is about life that is tough for you, that's where you find the strength. Run to the embracing arms of Jesus Christ.

You know, we started with that forensic artist in the Dove commercial, so let me close by asking you how do you describe yourself in your secret moments of prayer to God? You might describe yourself to God the way you see yourself as some addict or alcoholic, as a partial failure, as somebody who's lost or angry all the time or depressed. And you know what? That may be true, but God says here's how I see you: as my daughter, as my son, as my beloved, as my cherished treasure. When he sees you, that's the picture he draws, and that's the accurate picture of who you are. And so let's run to that God together in prayer right now. Would you pray with me?

Heavenly Father, thank you for our moms. Help us to really praise them, to praise all the women in our lives because even in our society in the modern times, women are so subjected to narrow definitions of what kind of life matters and what kind of beauty matters. Free the women here of that. Free all of us of those expectations because we see ourselves instead through your loving eyes of unconditional love because we sense your embrace, the one who loves us so much you came to earth and embraced us through your son's sacrifice on the cross. And we want to run into those loving arms today, and we pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.