The Power of Words

Well good morning everybody. Oh that was awesome. Try one more time because that was good. We can do better. Good morning! I love it! How many of you loved the beauty yesterday? The gorgeous sunshine, the warm temperature. Wasn't that awesome? How many of you are stoked that the fog is back? I didn't think so.

Well hey listen my name is René. I'm one of the pastors here and you know probably because I partly speak for a living and I have messed up my words publicly so often I find it somewhat amusing to collect examples of how other people have blown it with their words. It's just kind of encouraging for me. So here's some of my favorite examples.

KFC, Kentucky Fried Chicken, experienced real problems when the phrase finger lickin' good came out in Chinese translation as "eat your fingers off." This was a problem. You could get him deep-fried or crispy but the name Coca-Cola for a short time had a phonetic Chinese translation that sounded like the Chinese for "bite the wax tadpole." Wasn't that a band in the 60s? No that was Mott the Hoople. But anyway and one more President Jimmy Carter famously gave a speech in Poland in 1977 and his closing line was "I have come to understand your desires for the future." Not a bad closing line. Very nice right? Unfortunately the Polish translation was "I desire the Polish people carnally." Not what he meant to get across.

As somebody once said, "Words is hard." And words is hard. That is so true. So let's talk about staying out of word problems. Grab your message notes. The Art of Living Well is the name of our message series in the biblical book of Proverbs and there is one subject that the book of Proverbs talks about more than anything else except for wisdom itself and it's this: the power of words.

If you want a great life you need to learn the art of harnessing the power of your words because would you agree with this? What you say can make you hireable or fireable. What you say can start a relationship or end a relationship. What you say can push your kids away from you or bring them closer. What you say can make you friends or make you enemies. Your words can bring you prosperity and your words can bring you trouble.

And so let's look at what Proverbs has to say about wisely using the power of words. Now there are about a hundred and twenty verses about the power of words in the 31 chapter book of Proverbs in the Bible so obviously we can't look at all hundred and twenty verses here but what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take a few verses from that book that illustrate the categories of sayings, the sorts of things that the book of Proverbs has to say about words.

First for example, Proverbs has a lot to say about the power of words to wound. The power of words to wound Proverbs 12:18 says the words of the reckless pierce like swords but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Words have the power to do damage that can never be remedied like swords and there's a reason that this verse picks swords as a metaphor; it's really meant to be graphic.

I mean you put a sword into somebody you can pull the sword out but you can't pull out the wound. The wound remains same with words. This is talking about slashing words, reckless promises, rash criticisms, cutting remarks can sour relationships in ways that can never be totally healed.

But it's actually more than that; it's not just that words can wound a little bit, it's that words can wound so deeply they actually can kill like a sword. You see how can words actually kill physically? Well I mean words have started wars and not only that but these days we see more and more as we should in the paper about bullying. Kids can be bullied in school; it can lead to murder, it can lead to suicide. Words can literally lead to physical death but more often words can kill people emotionally, right psychologically.

Name a child stupid. Name a child dull. Those are sword strokes and they will spend the rest of their lives trying to deal with those wounds. Some of you sitting here are still dealing with how words have wounded you and killed you psychologically in your past; maybe all of us. I to this day I remember a few things that some kids said to me on the playground at school.

In fact in the sixth grade there was a girl named Marilyn. I'll never forget this as I'm walking to the class of the sixth grade classroom it was in a portable building behind Athenauer School in San Jose, California and Marilyn shouted out loud, "Hey here comes Renee! Renee has a flathead!" and she turned around and let all the other kids in. Of course, Renee is a flathead. Now I don't really think I have a flathead, one, and I have nothing against Marilyn who had a rather pointy head can I just say, no just kidding that's not true.

But you know what? I remember that moment better than anything else from sixth grade. I remember the weather, I remember the light breeze that was playing, I remember the song I was thinking about as I walked up to that, remember the crunch of the gravel underneath my heels, the smells. It all ties back into how words can really kill you emotionally and psychologically.

And words also have the power to kill community relationships. Proverbs 16:28 says the perverse stir up dissension and gossips separate close friends. Right now before we go any further I want to stop something right now because if I don't stop something that may be happening in your head right now you may miss the whole point of the message for you.

Before you think yes, yes preach it because I've been wounded this way, I hope that guy down the row is hearing this. I've got some in-law that I gotta get this CD for. Before you think that and before you go, oh this is making me feel so guilty I wish I hadn't come to church, they have just writhing in guilt, before you think either one of those things let me just ask for a show of hands. How many of you honestly would say yeah I have been at some point in my life hurt by words? How many of you would say that? If you raise your hand every single hand is up.

Now how many of you would say honestly yeah inadvertently or on purpose I have hurt other people with my words? Every hand is up. What I'm saying is every one of us here are both victim and victimizer when it comes to this. So there's no need to just be going, oh yes let me think about the daggers that are in my heart that other people have said to me. I hope they learn something or to go in sackcloth and ashes poor me I'm so bad I'm so stupid.

This is not about blame; this is not about guilt. Both of that completely unproductive when it comes to studying what Proverbs has to say about words. This is about moving forward. This is about leaving guilt and blame behind and learning. And this is so important because words can wound; we've all been wounded and we've all wounded.

And Proverbs talks a lot about the power of words to backfire on you, the user. Not only do our words wound other people, they also hurt the sender of the words, not just the recipient. Proverbs 12:6 says the words of the wicked lie in wait for blood but the speech of the upright rescues them. Words damage not just the hearer but the speaker. Proverbs 12:13 says evildoers are trapped by their sinful talk and so the innocent escape trouble. You can be trapped by your own words.

You know there's that saying talk is cheap but it's really not; talk can be very expensive. Your own words can come back to haunt you especially in these days of Facebook and Twitter posts and so on, right? People dredge up something that you once said and you go, oh why did I say that? So words can backfire, words can wound, but it's not all bad. Proverbs also talks about the power of words to nourish, the power of words to nourish.

And this is really deep stuff. I want you to look at a pattern in these verses that are representative of this thread in the book of Proverbs. Proverbs 18:21 says the tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it will eat its fruit. Notice here that words are described as fruit and in the next verse wise words satisfy like a good meal. The right words bring satisfaction.

So here words are described as a meal. Right next verse kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. So look at all those metaphors: fruit, a meal, honey. Good words nourish us; good words are like food to us. And more than that I would say that there's actually a word hunger in us. Just like we need food to live, we need good words to really thrive and survive on so many levels.

But this is very, very important to admit this: this is not a sign of weakness that you need affirmation. You know there's a kind of a one strand of pop psychology right now that says it doesn't matter what other people say about you; the only thing that matters is what you say to yourself. That sounds good; sounds like it should be true. I wish it was true but the fact is that just doesn't work.

Like for example, let's say you've been an artist for 10 years and the entire time not one single person has affirmed you and said, "Man you know you got some talent here." Not one. For 10 straight years every single person has looked at your art and said this is hideous dung. No affirmation. Now what are you gonna say? That's okay I say I'm an artist? Not a chance. You will give up after 10 years of that. You do need some affirmation.

This is why solitary confinement is so terrible. This is why the silent treatment in a relationship is so bad. Affirming words are essential to what it means to be a human being; we need them to thrive. And this is not just some 21st century New Age psychology idea. Augustine, one of the church fathers who wrote in the 4th century, said we need affirmation because we're made in the image of the triune God.

And what is the triune God, the Father, the Son of the Holy Spirit been doing for all eternity past? Affirming, communicating. He said God knows in himself the absolute joy of perfect communication because the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit have been perfectly praising and glorifying and affirming and loving one another for all eternity. And since we are made in his image we long for that too; words are food to us.

I can't tell you how many times I have heard—I literally cannot count how many times I've heard—men or women in my office crying, adult men and women saying I never heard dad or I never heard mom say well done, I love you, I affirm you. This is decades later and they're still starving because they never got that nourishment and their soul is just longing to hear that.

So you look at the power of words: the power of words to wound, the power of words to backfire on yourself, the power of words to nourish. Now all of us have used our words in these three ways but sort of haphazardly. You've wounded people, you've had your words backfire, you've nourished people with your words. Wouldn't it be wonderful instead of just kind of tripping and falling into these sorts of effects if we could control the power of our words?

If we could harness all these strengths and really use our words intentionally for certain effects? Well of course all the other verses in Proverbs are about this, the wisdom behind harnessing the power of words. And really Proverbs talks about four ways to harness the power of words that you need to be more intentional about.

The first is this: use truthful rather than deceptive words. Use truthful rather than deceptive words. A lot of verses in Proverbs about this like Proverbs 15:4 says the tongue that brings healing is a tree of life but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. See deceit destroys the one thing that really we need almost more than anything else as human beings and that's community, relationships, fellowship. But you can't have a healthy relationship without truth-telling.

You can't have a real relationship without agreeing on the truth. Now you might be thinking, well this is deceitful. I'm not deceitful; I don't lie. Well you can be deceptive without lying, right? Being truthful doesn't just mean not lying; being truthful means being candid, being frank, being open. This brings healing as Proverbs 28:23 says in the end people appreciate frankness more than flattery.

Now aren't we truthful like this? Why aren't we more candid? Why aren't we more frank in our relationships? You know this is what's really going on; this is how I really feel. Basically because we're cowards, speaking for myself anyway. A lot of us would rather do anything we can to avoid conflict, right? We want to keep the peace; we don't want to make waves; we don't want to rock the boat.

And so in a relationship many times you won't be honest with a person because that'd be tough and so you'd rather keep the peace than make waves and be honest. But watch this: the key phrase in this verse is in the end. In the end people appreciate frankness more than flattery. You'll go through conflict at first, maybe heavy-duty conflict, but there's no intimacy without truth-telling and there's no truth-telling without conflict. You got that?

There's no intimacy in a relationship without truth-telling and there's no truth-telling without conflict. You're telling me that to have a healthy relationship there's going to be conflict? Absolutely, that's what I'm telling you because sometimes people don't want to hear the truth and sometimes it's hard to say the truth.

So in the end people are going to appreciate frankness more than flattery because it's going to lead somewhere good. However, don't use truth as a club because that destroys relationships too. You ever heard somebody justify their insensitivity by calling it candor? Right? Well I just say what I feel; I'm just saying. Well I just speak my mind, right? The Bible has a word for that person: a fool.

Because there are ways to tell the truth and really all the rest of the verses in Proverbs talk about how to tell the truth in effective ways. For example, number two on your list: use gentle rather than harsh words. Use gentle rather than harsh words. The famous verse Proverbs 15:1 says a gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger. Speak gently, truly but gently.

Now some of you are going, I knew it was gonna get to the gentleness. I want to be some man-be-pamby spin meister, you know? I want to be some mealy-mouthed appeaser. I want to be courageous; I want to tell people the way it is. I just want to tell the truth. Well look at this: Proverbs 25:15 says through patience a ruler can be persuaded and a gentle tongue can break a bone. That is a great image, isn't it?

One Hebrew commentator says this means to break down the most entrenched argument against an idea that somebody may possess. You know look at the irony in this statement: there's nothing more persuasive than gentleness. The harshness, the put-down, the sarcasm, the slam, the big giant violent razor voice protest; maybe you'll win the battle but you've lost the war because you've damaged the relationship, you've lost the respect.

So first of all speech has to be incredibly honest but also incredibly gentle. And thirdly, use apt rather than careless words. Apt rather than careless words. Apt—I love that word apt. I was trying to think of a word that would be more apt than apt and I couldn't think of a more apt word than apt because it means appropriate, right? It means fitting. Proverbs 10:32 says the lips of the righteous know what is fitting but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse. That word fitting literally means delightful. You choose your words to fit the sensibility of the listeners so that your words are moving, so that your words are a delight.

Your words are attractive and that's not all. Proverbs 25:11 says a word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Now what does that mean? Apples of gold said it; this is talking about jewelry. Excuse me, this means that the right word is like beautifully crafted jewelry. Now Proverbs was written about 3,000 years ago and a lot of times we think of these people as you know the Flintstones. What was their jewelry like? Giant rocks, you know, or whatever.

Listen, in Israel last May archaeologists discovered a treasure trove of jewelry; the craftsmanship is just incredible. And then even more recently than that, Jerusalem workers building a parking lot there found more ancient jewelry like this beautiful ring and these earrings and more. And you see all this jewelry; this is from Bible times and you see the delicate craftsmanship, right? Like apples of gold, little round pieces of gold in settings of silver. Well that's the idea behind this verse: instead of being a goldsmith, be a wordsmith.

And what's the key to that? Well the Hebrew word aptly there actually has to do with timing. If your timing is wrong your listener will not be able to hear you. Check this out: Proverbs 24:26 says an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. You know this is as far as I've been able to see this is the only place in the Bible where a kiss on the lips is mentioned but it means something different than you probably think it means right here.

I was curious about this and I thought what did a kiss on the lips mean in ancient mid-eastern culture? Did it mean the same thing as it means here? Actually no, it had nothing to do with romantic love and I think this will give you some real insight to this verse. The ancient writer Herodotus offers his insight into what this meant in those days and it's totally different than what it means today. Check this out: Herodotus wrote when two men meet it is easy to see if they are equals for then if they are equals without speaking they kiss on the lips.

If there's a small difference in rank between the two men it's on the cheek that is kissed and European cultures today kind of preserve this old tradition. But if there is a great difference in rank between them, the humbler bows and kneels before the other. This is why some commentators say this is actually a pretty interesting verse. What this is saying is it's the responsibility of the communicator to adapt and to treat the other person with an answer with words that make them their equal.

In other words, don't just say, well I told the truth, my job is done. Say it in a way that doesn't belittle the listener; say it in a way that promotes equality; say it in a way that the listener wants to hear. It's your responsibility to communicate in a way that is equal, that is like a kiss on the lips.

You say, all right theoretically I agree. How does this actually work? Well imagine this marriage. Imagine a marriage where the husband comes from a family background in which the communication patterns were very indirect, right? People were not open about their feelings; they just sort of hinted at things in oblique ways. People never just came right out and just said things.

Now then there's the wife and she comes from a family background where people just blurted out whatever they thought, just express their feelings and then had a quick altercation, quick argument, raised their voice, and then they let bygones be bygones and nobody ever thinks about it again and it doesn't damage the relationship at all.

So if they come into this marriage and the husband insists on using the communication pattern that he learned from his childhood with his wife, what happens? Over and over you hear this conversation: the wife says I had no idea you felt that way and he says well I kept telling you; I kept giving you little hints. Whenever you would suggest that I would kind of raise my eyebrow and cock my head like this. Stuff I was telling you how I felt. No he wasn't because he didn't find her lips. That's not equal communication.

Or what if she uses her family method on him? Well then you have constant little communications like this: she says my goodness why are you calling a lawyer? And he says well I thought you wanted a divorce after that argument. And she says I was just verbally processing; it's no big deal, just got it off my chest; I'm good now. She hadn't found his lips.

And in case you're wondering yourself, is René talking about his own marriage? Yes, I am. I am, but I switched the genders so that you couldn't figure it out. But otherwise that is our marriage; that's us. And that is the most difficult part of marriage, my wife told me coming into our marriage she said you know my whole family, my whole family does not come right out and verbally process. There's nobody in our family that does.

In fact in her family if you really wanted to like go out for hamburgers that night she says this is typical: the kids sit in the backseat of the car and say Dairy Queen's open. And that's become shorthand for us when she kind of lapses into that conversation I go, oh you mean Dairy Queen's open, right? You know, very indirect and I'm a verbal processor; I'll just blurt out whatever I'm thinking and then kind of like I'll look at the words hanging in the air and go, oh I don't agree actually with any of that but by that point the damage is done, right?

Such a hard thing about marriage and about work relationships and about raising kids; this is a huge challenge for all of us. And what these verses are telling you when they say an apt word and it's like apples of gold and setting of silver, man it's like a kiss on the lips, they're saying that your words have to be carefully adapted and lovingly crafted to the setting, to the timing, to the context and this is your responsibility as a communicator not to say things that are gonna belittle the other person and make them kneel and bow before you but have it be like a kiss on the lips. That's communication; that's so huge.

I love this: have apt rather than careless words. And then fourth, use economical rather than numerous words. In other words, use less instead of more. Use economical rather than numerous words and I want to show you Proverbs 10:19. Well actually I don't really want to show you this because this is probably my least favorite verse in Proverbs. When words are many, sin is not absent but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Now to tell this to a man who speaks three times a weekend is very discouraging, all right? But here's what this is saying: it's simply this, the greater your number of words the more likely you are to mess up with your words, right? And so be careful. A good man thinks before he speaks as Proverbs 15:28 says the evil man pours out his evil words without a thought. Contemplate before you communicate.

Proverbs 13:3 says there's a lot of proper Proverbs verses about this concept. Self-control means controlling the tongue. A quick retort can ruin everything. In other words, a minute of thought can save hours of talk. It's Presidents Day weekend; Abraham Lincoln had a great line at a speech. He said it is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. That's a great line.

It reminds me of Proverbs 17:28 which says even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent and discerning if he holds his tongue. Why? As somebody once said, a shut mouth gathers no foot. You ever heard that? And I love that saying. Here's the problem with us: I just read this last week in our culture, in our communication culture today, scientists have researched this. We tend to be uncomfortable with more than two seconds of dead air in a conversation. Like don't you feel awkward right now?

See what I mean? You're talking with somebody and more than two seconds goes by and instead of waiting for them to think of something to say, you just jump in and just start blabbing because we don't like dead air. I'm the worst of it; it's probably like half a second for me. And so let's all agree, let's let other people have two seconds to gather their wits and it'll end up being a shorter and much more productive conversation.

But you need the balance. Look at this list: most of us are good at maybe one or two of these things, right? You might be a good truth teller; man, you'll sing the truth home but maybe not so gentle. Or maybe you're good at being gentle but you always avoid conflict and so you never want to tell the truth about anything. Or you know what? We all need the balance; we need all these things working together.

Here's the problem: probably most of us are looking at this list and going, wow man this is a huge fail for me because I look at this list I'm not really good at any of these things. So how do I possibly hope to manage my mouth, right? This is a big problem because in the New Testament the Apostle James in his book he says nobody, no one has ever been able to completely control their tongue. No one, he says all manner of wild beasts have been tamed but no one has ever been able to completely tame the tongue.

So is there hope? No, let's close in prayer. Yes, of course there's hope. There is hope. Where? Well there's only one clue in the Proverbs but it's a huge one. Proverbs 16:23 says a wise man's heart guides his mouth and his lips promote instruction. Your heart guides your mouth.

Now in Hebrew culture when the scriptures talk about your heart it's not talking about it the way we talk about in our culture as the seat of your emotions, right? I feel for you, my heart longs for you. For the Hebrews, the heart was seen as that but more than that it was seen as the control center for the entire self. When it's talking about the heart it's talking about what gives you meaning in life, what you're really living for, what you're looking to for your significance, your center, your core values—that's your heart.

What you really believe to be true about yourself and reality, your worldview—that's your heart. So it's out of the heart that the mouth speaks and Jesus Christ picks up on this in Matthew 12 what he says: out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. And this is huge; don't miss this because it would be very easy to take this list in your notes and say, okay I'm gonna work on this, I'm gonna try harder, I'm gonna—every night this week I'm gonna lay there in bed and do an inventory of my speech and go, okay did I do, was I gentle, was I honest, was I apt, was I—you know what you'll find? You'll find that willpower is never enough.

Trying harder is not the message of the Bible when it comes to your words. I don't want you to hear this message and get what Craig Barnes calls a bad dog sermon out of this. You know when you go to the church and the pastor goes bad dog, bad dog to the congregation and everybody leaves with a tail between their legs vowing to do better? You know this is not a bad dog message.

The Bible says this is what a wise tongue looks like but how you get there is not I'm gonna try harder because I've been so stupid. How you get there is changing your heart orientation. How you get there is changing what fills your heart. You say, what do you—what are you talking about? Well for example, why do you lie? We all lie in some ways. Why do you lie in the way you lie? You say, well because we're all sinners. Okay, why do you lie in the way you lie?

For example, true confessions here: I noticed that I tend to stretch the truth sometimes; I exaggerate. Since if my wife calls it evangelistically speaking, I do this. I spin the truth and I do this to make myself look better. Why would I care to make myself look better? Because I want people to like me and I want to amuse people and I want them to think I'm amusing; I want them to like me.

Now my wife Laurie does not tend to spin the truth that way at all because she does not care nearly as much as I do about people liking her. Now she has other issues but I think I better talk about me right now because although she's in India this will get back to her. So for example, I talked to Laurie the other day; she calls from India right where she's with our India mission team right now and she goes how's it going, Renee? And instantly I start spinning before I even realize it. I'm going, well man I'll tell you something, the piles of laundry and the dirty dishes are just piling up and it's like I'm saying a lesser man would quake before them.

And I just had, I go it's just amazing; it's trailing into the hallway. The washing machine's been acting up, the dishwasher won't work right, I'm running out of detergent, I don't know how I'm gonna find time to get—I don't know how it's physically possible to have as much to do as I have at work plus home yet honey I'm rising to the challenge like Hercules in a Greek myth, you know? I'm just pouring it on.

Now if it's out of the overflow of the heart that the mouth speaks, then what's that a sign of? Some kind of insecurity that needs to be dealt with at a root level. I need to remind myself over and over God loves you, you're secure, Renee, in his unconditional love for you. Plus Laurie loves you unconditionally so you don't have to spin the truth. What is it for you?

What I'm saying is all our word problems are really heart problems. So how do you heal your words? You heal your heart. And there's great examples of this in the Bible. In fact let me close with this: in Isaiah 6 there's an aristocrat named Isaiah and he goes up to the temple in Jerusalem to worship but he's distracted. He's worried about the fact that his beloved King, King Uzziah, has just died.

So he goes in there; he's thinking about his own anxieties probably and suddenly all heaven breaks loose because he sees this vision of God on a high throne and these beams of light are shining out and angels are swirling around him and their voice is like many waters and they're singing and shouting holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty.

And Isaiah's response is to fall flat on his face like a dead man and think of his own miserable sin and he says woe is me for I am a man of—and does anybody remember what he says? Unclean lips. What we've been talking about today—that's the problem. Isaiah had to; he sees God and he goes, whoa I do not deserve to see God because I'm a man of bad, bad mouth, unclean lips and I'm in the presence of God right now. He's struggling with this and maybe that's how you feel right now too, like oh God I have unclean lips; I am not even worthy to be in church here, I'm so—I so fail on this. This is how Isaiah feels.

So how does God respond? God does not go, no why is that? You're okay, come on get up. God says, okay you're right Isaiah but your sin is atoned for and so now you can get up. And that's what God says to you too by grace because of the atonement of Jesus Christ as you trust in that. Your sin is atoned for; you don't have to leave feeling guilty or ashamed or miserable because of the way you've used words. It's taken care of; it's atoned for.

And now you can lose yourself in the self-forgetfulness of just pure worship because what happens is when you worship God your heart is filled with something else besides your own anxieties and worries and insecurities. Your heart gets to be filled with God and you start hearing God's voice whispering to you, your sin is atoned for; you are my beloved child in whom I am well pleased.

You know maybe you're one of those people who I talked about who comes to my office and says I never heard that from mom or dad but you hear it from God. Those are the words that God spoke at Jesus's baptism. The Bible says now we are children of God through faith in Jesus Christ and so that means you receive from God those words: you are my beloved child in whom I am well pleased.

And when you really receive that to the degree that it resonates in your soul, to that degree you don't need to lie anymore, you don't need to slash people anymore, you don't need to worry about what people think of you anymore because your heart has been healed. And so what I want to do this morning is instead of closing with some kind of a vow like raise your right hand, let's bow to use better words. Let's spend a few minutes instead in self-forgetful worship of God. Let's pray.

Would you bow your heads with me? With your heads bowed, if it is out of the heart that the mouth speaks, let's redirect our hearts. In fact, would you just take a deep breath? Just breathe deep right now; leave all your worries and cares behind and just for the final 10 or 12 minutes of our time together turn your eyes upon Jesus and in quietness and worship listen to what God is saying to you.

God in the next few minutes I pray that our hearts would be cleansed and reoriented to your healing grace and I pray that there if there are any here who've never invited Jesus Christ in, they do it now. Say be my Lord and Savior, heal my heart. God we turn our eyes on you; make us wise users of the power of our words by the power of the Word of God, Jesus Christ. Amen.